We Really Hate It When Cyclists Jump Red Lights

Yeah, we hate it cos that's OUR job!

PaveParker of the Week! Wannabe WVM in B&Q hire van BJ11FVN

It's been a few weeks, but at last the PaveParker of the Week is back! And, what's more, it's back in one of the "City and Shire's" favoured paveparking spots - Aberdeen's "historic" Holburn Street, just below the new-ish bridge on the Old Deeside Line former railway track path.

Yes, this week's PaveParker is a wannabe WVM. You see, it's not really his or her white van, it's on hourly hire from B&Q. But, this confers an advantage, for this wannabe WVM is not only demonstrating the gentle art of FULL PaveParking, but is also showing the advanced skill of PaveParkVertising too. Brilliant.

Also worthy of note is the fact that this clever PaveParker wannabe WVM has crossed the cycle lane, crossed the double-yellows and used the dropped kerb of the pedestrian refuge crossing to enable the PaveParking maneuver. Graduation to full WVM status cannot be far off!

Dangerous Cyclist Forces Innocent Drivers to Risk No-Claims Bonus

Once again, our slimy slug of a double agent has left us video-footage in the dead-letter drop box beneath the Ruthrieston Pack Horse Bridge. What 'Codename JannieJumbo' caught on camera this time, operating in deep cover from behind his legend in the so-called "active travel activist" movement in Aberdeen, really shocked us.



Oh my God! Did you see that? This irresponsible cyclist's dangerous behaviour caused not only the driver of Aberdeen Car reg P896TGE to ignore a hand signal and pass too close for safety, but also the reckless cyclist made the taxi driver of Aberdeen Taxi reg KY55CCD overtake dangerously, ignoring the cyclist's hand signal and into the path of oncoming traffic - and all for nothing, being held up at the roundabout which was only 50 yards away anyway.

"But - hold on!" we hear you exclaim. "What was it that was so reckless about this cyclist's behaviour? - I've looked at the video, and the cyclist seems to have done nothing wrong..." And that's true up to a point, because what the video cannot show is the privileged information we have access to through our contact with "Codename JannieJumbo".

That information is the fact that this cyclist pedal-cycle was not equipped with a bell at the time. (Thus absolving the blameless motorists of any liability for their actions.)

PaveParker of the Week! L33ACV

The Full PaveParking driver of Toyota MR2 GT Turbo (ooooh!) reg. L33ACV wins this weeks plaudits! Congratulations. Crossing both the cycle lane, double yellows and getting all four wheels onto the pavement outside the 'Get Your Hair Cut' barbers on Aberdeen's Holburn Street deserves special mention. The location is just beside that new-ish Old Deeside Line footbridge which the road-tax-dodging cyclists, pedestrians and horsey people use to get from goodness-knows-where to goodness-knows-where. We think that cyclists and horsey people are just showing off. God knows what they think they've got to show off about.

Sharp-eyed readers with decent memories will notice that this is not the first, nor is it the second, but this is the third time that we've spotted that this location is good for Full PaveParking. So, spread the word - the pavements on Holburn Street are fair game, they are wide open and there for you. Get Parking!

Anti-Bollard Direct Action

Perhaps emboldened by our coverage of exemplary bollard-thwarting last week, we see evidence that the drivers of Aberdeen Cars have been out-and-about seeking to remove this menace from the urban environment. Bollards are just wrong; they prevent the drivers of Aberdeen Cars from parking wherever the hell they bloody well like, and from using the pavement as demand-responsive carriageway space for driving on when circumstances dictate.

Clearly, the presence of these anti-car bollards on some stretches of Aberdeen's Holburn Street has proven too much for one hard-pressed and beleagured motorist, who has taken direct action against this imposition on his (or her!) liberty:


We're also delighted to see that anti-bollard action is now spreading. Yes, spreading to barriers and railings too! We snapped this evidence of anti-railing direct action on the city's Great Western Road. This demonstrates that these items of street furniture are unwanted and dangerous: they're in our way and we want them removed! Anything that's in the way of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars is in the way of economic growth. So get these barriers removed. Now!


Unfortunately, we don't have the reg numbers of the drivers of the Aberdeen Cars who took this direct action, so we cannot induct them into the Anti Bollard (and Barrier!) League. But if they'd like to contact us direct with their reg numbers, we'd be happy to give them and their motoring skills the recognition which is so richly deserved!

PaveParker of the Week! SY59XSM

Ya-hay! It's the PaveParker of the Week!

Yes, this week, the driver of Aberdeen Car VW Golf 1.4 TSI 160 GT (oooooh!) reg. SY59XSM earns the laurels for this display of full PaveParking on Aberdeen's Holburn Street. And yes, you might have noticed, this spot holds a special significance for us: this being the very pavement where we inaugurated the PaveParker of the Week award!

In common with that inaugural PaveParker, this week's winner knows that PaveParking has an important economic benefit in these austerity times. By getting out of the way of other busy important motorists who're busily and importantly going about their lawful business on Her Majesty's highway, the clever PaveParker helps the traffic flow - and as we all know, efficient and swift traffic flow - more cars on more roads - is the only way we can ensure a prosperous future for Aberdeen once the oil runs out in 2017.

Also, by keeping the traffic flowing, it cuts down on pollution. That'll keep the greenies happy too!



Sharp-eyed readers will also notice that the streetscape has changed since the inauguration of the PaveParker of the Week Award. Yes - that big nasty pink cycle lane has appeared. And in these austerity times!

This is part of the push by the forces of darkness to re-allocate road-space away from the already beleaguered motorist, so, in this case, our heroic PaveParker deserves a special mention. Having had her road-space (which she paid for!) re-allocated for use by useless and economically inactive cyclits, she has struck back by unilaterally annexing and re-allocating for use by cars the pavement space usually walked upon by useless and economically inactive pestestrians. Brilliant!

We admire this freebooting attitude and independent action action. It gives us hope that the evil forces of reallocation will not succeed in their push to decommission our heritage Urban Dual Carriageway at Denburn Road. Join our campaign to Save the Denburn Dual Carriageway. 'Like' us on FaceBook, 'Follow' us on Twitter.

PaveParker of the Week! KG07DLX

This week's PaveParker of the Week demonstrates bollard-confounding full PaveParking!



Yes, the driver of Aberdeen Car Ford Focus 1.8 TDCi Zetec "Climate Pack" (ooooh?) reg. KG07DLX has spotted that the bollards on Aberdeen's Holburn Street outside the Royal China restaurant don't quite prevent the perspicacious and tenacious drivers of Aberdeen Cars from exercising their right to PavePark. Anything to avoid paying for parking! The fact that parking on pavements is not illegal  is such a great loophole for today's beleaguered motorists to exploit as they go about their vital business creating economic growth, and we're delighted that Aberdeen is in the vanguard of demonstrating best practice in this the gentle art of PaveParking.

For this dedication to the cause, this driver is not only our PaveParker of the Week! But also, we have made them an Honorary Colonel in the Aberdeen Anti-Bollard League.

New Holburn Street Cycle Lane - a Tribute

"They put in all these cycle lanes and everything for them. And then you never see any cyclists using them!"

We're delighed to report that our secret agent "Codename JannieJumbo" is back on track, reporting pro-motoring content from his deep cover "legend" working as an agent provocateur within the "pro-cycling advocacy community" in Aberdeen.

We were all the more glad of his contribution, because - as were all right-thinking motorists - we were horrified to discover that a new cycle lane has been installed on Aberdeen's historic "Road to the South" - Holburn Street.

Not only are we motorists having to endure the sight of cyclits and pestestrians showing off on the new bridge which connects the Old Deeside Line disused railway path from the western suburbs to the town centre, but we are also now being asked to tolerate them being allocated space on our carriageway!

But, a quick look at JannieJumbo's video settles our fears:



See that? See how the vast majority of motorists just ignore the cycle lane and encroach on it anyway? Delightful! By designing this cycle lane so very badly, the transport authorities in Aberdeen have managed to snatch victory from the jaws of defeat. They are obliged to spend a "ring fenced" budget for "Cycling, Walking and Safer Streets" on this type of infrastructure, much to the frustration of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. So, by using this budget to install infrastructure so bad that it is dangerous to cyclists, the ring-fenced budget is turned against them and is actually being used to discourage cycling. Subtle. Genius.

So, once again, we applaud the designers of Aberdeen's cycling infrastructure - they have designed it so poorly as to be an actual disincentive to the uptake of cycling as a serious mode of transport (which, of course, it isn't). We admire this type of kung-fu. Turning one's enemy's own weapons against themselves is fantastically skilled, and maintains "plausible deniability". Fantastic!

More Obstacles

Regular readers will know that we've covered the parking options outside the Co-op on Holburn Street once or twice before. Or maybe even three times.


Anyhow, over the last few weeks, in competition to the Co-op, a new 'not normally manned' Tesco Metro outlet has opened on the neighbouring site once occupied by legendary hardware store The Colour Box. A concerned citizen contributer got in touch and asked us to explain the function of the bollards which have since appeared on the pavement outside the new Tesco.

It's obvious to us that the bollards are a disgusting anti-motorist measure placed there as a sop to the filthy hippy vegitarians which the Tesco hopes to attract away from the pinko communist hive of the Co-op next door. These dangerous bollards intimidate the blameless and beleaguered hard-pressed tax-farmed motorist by threatening (as we've covered very recently) to scratch his lovely car should he attempt a PaveParking maneuver, which is, of course, the right of the motorist, particularly in Aberdeen where we are in the vanguard of providing the necessary economic growth which will pull the whole of the UK out of the doldrums.

At least we see the other legitimate use for pavements (other than PaveParking) being well demonstrated in the photo. Yes. Pavements are for bins. Fact.

Essential Services - AJ60FGA

We were both delighted and a little bit miffed to see this sight on Aberdeen's Holburn Street.



We'll deal with the downside first. The van is marked "PAVEMENT PARKER". This is not right, and risks what copyright lawyers call 'passing off'. The correct term is "PaveParker". You might recall from our prefatory post on the subject "An Introduction to PaveParking in Aberdeen". Remember? In that post we established that the correct format is:
PaveParking^tm
(Note the corporate-style italicisation, capitalisation and trademark superscript)
From which would follow:
PaveParker^tm

Any White Van Men (WVM) who in future would wish to display their traffic-flow-friendly credentials by similarly emblazoning their van with PaveParker livery should get in touch using the e-mail link up to the right. We can supply official decals for a large value-added fee.

But, on to the upside. This WVM - a satellite dish installation engineer - is fully committed to economic growth in his use of the pavement as a station for his vehicle as he provides Essential Services to the residents of Holburn Street. By crossing the double-yellows and getting out of the way of other busy important drivers of Aberdeen Cars and WVM who're busily and importantly going about their lawful business on Her Majesty's highway, this clever PaveParking WVM helps keep the traffic flowing - and as we all know, efficient and swift traffic flow - more cars on more roads - is the only way we can ensure a prosperous future for Aberdeen "City and Shire" once the oil runs out. Also, by keeping the traffic flowing, it cuts down on pollution, keeping even the meanie-greenie naysayers nice and happy.

And, not forgetting, this WVM is providing an Essential Service in fixing up satellite TV reception for hard-working Aberdonians, who, after a hard day slaving over their oil company spreadsheets, fully deserve to slump in front of the plasma, can of continental lager in one hand, readymeal in the other, placid and conditioned, blasted vapid and vacant by long working hours and ready to be implanted with whatever messages the advertising funded media so thoughtfully provide for us in so entertaining a way:

"Go Compare, Go Compare"
"Any Any Any Any"
"Simples!"

When we learn these phrases by rote, ready to unquestioningly regurgitate them as a substitute for interpersonal discourse, then we can rest comfortable and assured that our conformity will be complete, we'll no longer be troubled by the nagging thought: "is that all there is to life?" The voice that says that something is missing in our life, that there must be more.

By PaveParking on his way to perform his Essential Satellite TV Installation Service, the WVM is helping the people of Aberdeen realise that we shouldn't expect too much from life and, yes, that really is all there is. He is helping to ease our troubled minds with soothing, reassuring, friendly TV which tells us that all we need is "things"; a new car, this year's model; all we need is a new PC, ipod, holiday, and then our life will be complete.

Thank God for WVM.

SnowParking Roundup

Now that the festive season's over, and the snow and ice have cleared, it's time to take a moment to find out what lessons the drivers of Aberdeen Cars can learn from weather like this. I bet the clever entrepreneurs of Aberdeen can turn this to their advantage!

Parking Restrictions. Frozen! Hoora!

PaveParking is of course something that the drivers of Aberdeen Cars do as a matter of course anyway. Particularly in the upscale West End of the city. However, during the winter months, the clever PaveParkers of the West End provide an extra benefit by actually saving our hard-pressed council precious funds. You see, the PaveParkers actually prevent the gritting and clearing of pavements all over that prestigious district. This is People Power. This is the Big Society: We don't want or need the pavements to be gritted, so we use the means at our disposal to prevent it.

Indeed, why should our council devote precious resources to subsidising the unimportant feckless road-tax-dogding pestestrians? These freeloaders infuriate us with their refusal to contribute to economic growth and pay their way; pay their share with road tax, petrol tax, extra VAT, parking charges, and all the rest. These pestestrians are unimportant, they do not deserve our subsidy. If they were important, they'd be able to afford a nice car, and wouldn't need to waste the council's money on having the pavement gritted, or indeed maintained in any way.

The clever PaveParkers of Aberdeen Cars are doing us all a favour by showing these pestestrians just where they stand in the socioeconomic pecking order, and by freeing up precious roadspace so that the infinitely more important, hard-pressed, busy, clever and responsible motorists can enjoy the benefits of better traffic flow, which, as everyone knows, is the predominant source of economic growth and prosperity.

So, PaveParking is to be encouraged whenever possible. But those new to PaveParking mustn't get carried away. Please don't go too far, the pestestrians might "CarriageWalk".

Pavement? What Pavement?

If the snow conceals the double yellow lines, that means you can park wherever you like. Close to junctions, on the zig-zags, wherever. The No Parking signs don't count when there's snow on the ground. Obviously.

So. Let's look forward to more snow during the remainder of the winter. We just love the parking free-for-all which it implies for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars.

Essential Services - Fags and Booze.

We've all been outraged by the disgraceful state of some of the roads in Aberdeen in the current snowy weather, so it's great to know that Knights of the Road M&H Carriers are making sure to get essential winter supplies through to the shops. In this case, cigarettes and beer are being delivered to the Co-op on Holburn Street.

The driver of MAN delivery van 371PKO here shows exemplary dedication to his "appointed round" by making sure that the fags and booze get through.

No matter the weather, priorities are priorities! So important is this delivery that the driver has placed his van as close as is possible to the door of the supermarket. This serves two important health and safety functions.

• Firstly health - it's cold isn't it? So by minimising his exposure to the Siberian blast, our driver is protecting his health and making sure that he'll not need to take any sick-days off due to the sniffles. By this selfless action, he is making sure that the Co-op will NEVER run out of fags. Or booze.
• Secondly safety - the driver is right to minimise the distance he must ferry the fags and booze to the door of the shop because the ground is slippy underfoot. This is because Aberdeen City Council know what side their bread's buttered on and haven't bothered wasting any money in gritting or clearing the pavements. The pavements, of course, being used only by poor people who lack the "clout" of the VIP motoring lobby. Oh yes, our council knows that the outrage and opprobrium that the local papers and hard-pressed motoring public would rain down on them if they used even one grain of grit on the pavement while one single flake of snow remains on the carriageway would be so severe that no councillor could ever hope to be re-elected ever again. So, very wisely, the council have prioritised traffic flow rather than pandering to the self-serving calls of a minority of vocal self-appointed pedestrian's champions. As can be seen in the photo - the road is nice and clear of snow, while the pavement remains treacherous. This is as it should be. The council has got it's priorities right.

It's been pointed out that in order to achieve this most efficient delivery-position, the driver has had to place his van on the so-called "zig-zags" associated with the pelican crossing. However, in this case, the council has cleverly considered the needs of the delivery drivers who provide the essential deliveries of fags and booze (oh, and crisps) to the Co-op, and have cleverly left the so-called "zig-zags" obscured from view by snow, ice and slush. Because the delivery driver cannot see the so-called "zig-zags" (even though he might know well that they are there) he can, with a clear conscence, ignore them and proceed with the execution of his essential delivery service. In any case, the driver is flashing his hazard-lights (exemption lights) which demonstrate his knowledge of this exemption.

You see, what isn't widely known by pedestrians (how could they?) is that the so-called "zig-zags" operate as a kind of need-responsive parking space; responsive to the needs of the hard-pressed motorist-in-a-hurry who lacks the time to look for a formal parking space. In this case, this flexibility of purpose is put to good use by the van driver, who is using the so-called "zig-zags" secondary function as an emergency high-priority-unloading bay for essential winter supplies.

Some whining pedestrians might moan that this parking on the so-called "zig-zags" is dangerous. But we say "No!" What the ever-demanding pedestrian pests maybe can't see is that the delivery driver has made a significant enhancement to road safety by minimising the risk that oncoming motorists might become distracted by the suddenly-changing-and-flishy-flashing lights of the pedestrian crossing - the bulk of the van actually hides the lights from the view of oncoming motorists.

Everyone knows that the increase in road-clutter distracts the driver's attention from important and safety-critical in-cockpit actions, such as re-setting the satnav or lighting a cigarette, changing to the next Bryan Adams track on the CD or texting his or her stockbroker. So, by hiding the lights from view with the bulk of his van, the delivery driver is leaving the busy Holburn Street motorist free to concentrate on more important stuff and the prospect of getting his or her foot down on the high-speed drag that is Great Southern Road ahead.

Moreover, when an important motorist-in-a-hurry parks on the so-called "zig-zags" to pop into the Co-op for some much-needed cigarettes, or when an essential-services courier uses them as a high-priority-unloading bay, we say that this actually enhances safety for the pedestrians, as it screens them from the oncoming traffic, thus sheltering them from the extreme danger usually associated with pedestrianism and as everyone can see actually making the crossing all the safer! 

But do the pedestrians appreciate this? Do they heck! They should be grateful, especially if they've just been into the Co-op for some fags and booze, as delivered by the Essential Services delivery driver of M&H Carriers MAN delivery van 371PKO.

The courier's code:

We are mothers and fathers. And sons and daughters. Who every day go about our lives with duty, honor and pride. And neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, nor the winds of change, nor a nation challenged, will stay us from the swift completion of our appointed rounds. Ever.

We think that the driver of M&H Carriers MAN delivery van 371PKO has fulfilled his obligations to the couriers code, and then some! So we've written to his employers to tell them so.

Essential Services

The driver of Evening Express delivery van SW008 HYR demonstrates advanced parking and delivery technique. The Holburn Street Co-op is a popular spot for motorists to pop in for a Ginsters or something on their way to somewhere important; the Pelican Crossing (for those too poor to own cars) and its so-called 'zig-zags' providing an excellent parking platform - very convenient for a close proximity high-speed pit-stop. Just like Sebastian Vettel! Failed wannabe racing driver Tiff Nedell would be proud.

But it's not all Ginsters snack bars! To while away the time in Aberdeen's notorious gridlock keen motorists may want to read about the forthcoming AWPR and all the measures being deployed around Aberdeen to try to stamp out cycling. What better place to "read all about it" than in our comfortingly pro-motorcar local press? The Evening Express delivery man is therefore performing an Essential Service, which comes with privileges concomitant with his advanced driver status.

The photos show us several aspects of this driver's advanced technique:

He demonstrates the fact that he is performing an Essential Service by blinking the hazard lights ("exempt-lights", as we call them), which of course perform the same function as the flashing blue or red lights used by the Emergency Services. In each case they demonstrate that the vehicle is doing Something Very Important.

Eschewing even the zig-zags (where he has every right to park, probably?), he parks directly on the pedestrian section of the crossing, as delineated by the carriageway-embedded metal studs. This enables the hard-pressed but very important delivery driver to cleverly make full use of the dropped kerb and anti-slip paving slaps, while simultaneously preventing any people of lesser importance from making use of the crossing on foot. While this might seem at first to be a little selfish, we understand, of course, that the delivery driver is actually using this choice of position as a safety feature - by putting off others from using the crossing, he reduces the risk that any foot-user might become injured by bumping into him as he goes about his Essential Service.

To further reduce the risk of interference as he goes about performing his Essential Service, in an elemental audio-visual display of alpha-male dominance, the delivery driver proudly and prominently exhibits his many manly tattoos while intimidating foul and personal abuse issues from his mouth in the direction of the camera operator. The black gloves also add a sinister touch. Don't mess!

Oh, if only he knew that we were going to praise him and his innovative and highly advanced delivery driving technique!

We believe that the Delivery Driver of Evening Express van SW08 HYR deserves an award for the heroic way he goes about performing his Essential Service. So we've written to his employers to tell them so.

PaveParker of the Week! OW08 EYU

As everyone knows, most traffic regulations in Aberdeen are advisory only - allowing room for our motivated and enabled motorists to THINK FOR THEMSELVES.

One grey area is the so-called "zig-zags" we can see around those pesky tax-dodger crossings - the dreaded Pelican. But one thing's for sure, even if it is a bit naughty to park on the "zig-zags" (we don't know why it would be?), everyone knows that traffic regulations are not enforced on Sunday, so enabling the advanced Aberdeen driver to do as he pleases. And quite right too! We noticed a fabulous example of just such an empowered Aberdeen Driver yesterday, outside the Holburn Street Co-op.

The exemplary driver of Black BMW 320d SE reg. OW08 EYU displays many aspects of advanced motorism. Firstly - showing that he can THINK FOR HIMSELF - he parks on the so-called "zig-zags". (We don't even know what they're for? What else could their function possibly be?) Secondly, he PaveParks by putting both nearside wheels on the pavement just to show the tax-avoiding unimportant pedestrians that he can and thus establishing and consolidating the proper hierarchy of things. Thirdly, this advanced maneuver is being executed on a Sunday, so - even if there might be 'issues' with parking on the so-called "zig-zags" - nothing bad can happen to the motorist. Fourthly, the motorist demonstrates his advanced knowledge of all the above by flashing his hazard lights (or "exempt" lights, as we prefer to call them). The orange flashing lights draw our attention to his fantastic skill, knowledge and superiority.

And fifthly, the motorist is demonstrating his philanthropic, caring and compassionate side by actually screening the poor pedestrians from the oncoming traffic, thus sheltering them from the extreme danger usually associated with pedestrianism and as everyone can see actually making the crossing all the safer!

For all the above, this driver is is clearly our PaveParker of the week. And soooo much more!

An Introduction to PaveParking in Aberdeen

While looking for motorism advocacy allies, we came across the wonderful Bristol Traffic blog, which is full of tips for hard-pressed tax-farmed motorists and is a great inspiration to us. We who fight the war against the war against motorists should take note of the great advocacy and advice which is on offer from Bristol Traffic.

Of particular note to us was a clever little motorist trick we've noticed motorists-in-the-know using round and about here in Aberdeen. On Bristol Traffic they call it "paveparking".

So, in homage to their inspiration, we will too. Only we'll capitalise it and do that thrilling branding thing of partial italicisation and using a capital letter half way through the word. Exciting.

PaveParking^tm

Do you see what we've done? We've put a little 'tm' on there too, just make it a bit more 'corporate', specially for the motorists of Aberdeen who just love everything corporate.

Yes, PaveParking. The beauty of PaveParking, is, of course, that traffic wardens (or those busybody anti-motorist warriors - the "dreaded" community wardens) can't touch you for it: enforcement of footway parking being a police matter, under the “causing danger to other road users” and obstruction provisions of the Road Traffic Act (1988) and the Road Vehicles (Construction and Use) Regulations (1986). However, police usually take the view that they need to observe the vehicle being parked on the footway and then demonstrate that the driver had the intention to obstruct in order to be able to enforce the law. And so in practice it is rarely - if ever! - enforced. Yes, the police know that they've better things to do (like catching actual criminals) than harassing hard-pressed motorists who're just parking cleverly.

PaveParking! It's clever, It's quick, it's convenient, it's free and it's not really all that illegal!

So today - to celebrate the PaveParkers of Aberdeen - we're launching the PaveParker of the Week award - and here's the inaugural winner:

Vauxhall Insignia Diesel Hatchback J800 RDN demonstrates the advanced skill of Full PaveParking; managing to place all four wheels on the pavement of Holburn Street. The location is just beside that new-ish Old Deeside Line footbridge which the road-tax-dodging cyclists, pedestrians and horsey people use to get from goodness-knows-where to goodness-knows-where. We think they're just showing off. God knows what they think they've got to show off about.

By contrast, the clever PaveParker of J800 RDN would be quite within his or her rights to show off - for he or she knows that PaveParking has an important economic benefit in these austerity times. By getting out of the way of other busy important motorists who're busily and importantly going about their lawful business on Her Majesty's highway, the clever PaveParker helps the traffic flow - and as we all know, efficient and swift traffic flow - more cars on more roads - is the only way we can ensure a prosperous future for Aberdeen once the oil runs out.

Also, by keeping the traffic flowing, it cuts down on pollution. That'll keep the greenies (like national disgrace, scoundrel and extremist Cllr. Debra Storr) happy too!