PaveParker of the Week! PaveDriver and Bollard-Thwarter WVM TN07RNS

There used to be a TV ad for the Ford Tansit van: "Backbone of Britain" was the tag-line. The ad's not been on for a few years now - but we were heartened to see that WVM is keeping up the "Backbone of Britain" tradition on Aberdeen's Holburn Street. That's where we spotted this week's PaveParker of the Week - the White Van Man driver of Ford Transit TN07RNS gets this weeks award for teaching the layabout underemployed pestestrians (or "odd footpeople", as we now like to call them) a damned fine lesson.


Extra credit is due to our WVM PaveParker for also demonstrating a bit of PaveDriving and a hint of Bollard-Thwarting, all the while extending the empire of the motorised into the impoverished hinterland of the odd footpeople. Let's wipem out! Yeah! Now that the count-down's under way to the start of work on our exciting thrilling new orbital motorway, let's be sure and have no-one walking the streets of "The Granite City" when it opens to traffic in 2012, 2015, 2019, 2025.

PaveParker of the Week! X266OES PaveDRIVER!

Yes indeeeeeddddyyy! Congratulations to the driver of Aberdeen Car Renault Clio Hatchback "Special" (oooooohhh!) EDS 1.2 "MTV" (super-cool!) reg. X266OES.

Demonstrating where pedestrians should go in the Aberdeen road use hierarchy (i.e. bloody nowhere) the driver of this Aberdeen car demonstrates Full PaveParking and Bollard-Thwarting skills on Aberdeen's Pitstruan Terrace. Impressive.

But, more to the point and the reason for this weeks premium award to the driver of this Aberdeen car is the demonstration of an advanced skill which we notice that he or she must have used to reach this point on the so-called "pedestrian footway"- yes:

PaveDRIVING ^tm

We're delighted to report that we think you can expect to see a lot more of this type of thing on the pedestrian footways of Aberdeen "City and Shire" over the coming weeks, months and years as the race for economic growth heats up and as every single piece of urban space is used to help ensure traffic flow - the very font-spring of sustainable economic growth.

That's why it's important that all our readers join in our campaign to save the Denburn Dual carraigway from the clutches of the sinister forces of reallocation. Yes Save the Denburn Dual Carriagway ('like' us on FaceBook, 'follow' us on Twitter)

Essential Services - "Sidey" YG05ROU & VO57CBU

New batrhooms are being installed in some council flats in the centre of the city. We suppose that's OK. The life of the world goes on in its neverending cycles. Winter turns to spring and for all things there is a season. All things must pass and the new replaces the old - nothing will last forever. Not even toilets.

While we're thinking of the inconstancy of all things, it's good to comfort ourselves with the thought that some things don't change in Aberdeen "City and Shire":


Yes, that's it! The contractors undertaking the works have made entrepreneurial use of the broken low fence to cross the double yellows, PavePark, VergePark and bollard-thwart thus vindicating the privatisation and outsourcing of building services by our council. We doubt whether pubic sector workers would have had the chutzpa to colonise the pedestrian space so unilaterally! Well, that statement is without foundation, but it suits our dogma, so we're happy to spout it.

We have written to the council offering praise for their policy, and by extension, their contractors. We have also inducted them into the Anti-Bollard League.

Union Grove is At War With The Bollards

Dispatches from our War With The Bollards and the promoters of Bollard-dom.



Thankfully, the driver of Aberdeen car YY06ZPE is much cleverer than the Bollard-mongering forces which seek to restrict his freedom movement and right-to-park. In this case, the forces of Bollard-dom have displayed their stupidity and have left just enough room for the driver of this BMW roadster to get in about and park his lovely sports car off the road. Thus reducing his insurance premium, probably. He's clever.

He cocks a snook at the Bollarders by crossing the double-yellows, and using the dropped-kerb pestestrian crossing bit to squeeze his lovely roadster off the road and onto that bit that used to be a garden outside the window of his two-room ground-floor Victorian tenement flat on the corner of the city's Union Grove and Annfield Terrace. That'll make him feel all lovely and secure. As he sits, continental lager in one hand - readymeal in the other - slumped in front of the plasma on the sofa of an evening, blasted by the daily commute to his spreadsheet-wrangling office job, he'll be able to glance out the window and see his lovely roadster - just there! When he sees it, he'll know full-well that his work of international importance creating much-needed economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire" to be the dynamo to pull the whole of UK plc out of the slump is worth it! Just look at the reward it brought him - a lovely roadster. If he could, he'd park it in the bedroom.

For this display of dedication, the driver of this BMW Z4 Roadster 2.5si "sport" (ooooh!) is made a full General in our Anti-Bollard League. Congratulations!

A Battle Won in our War on the Bollards.

Yay! Outside a tenement on the city's St Mary's Place, the driver of this Aberdeen Car demonstrates the importance of their parking imperative by crossing the double-yellows, creating a new desire-line in the shrubbery, paveparking, getting as close as possible to the tenement-access stairs (preventing any less important people from using them) and - and this is the most vital part - finding a way to circumvent the strictures on parking imposed by the bollards which were planted there to prevent exactly what the driver of Aberdeen Car Citroen C3 "Picasso" (ooooh!) reg. SP09SXY has achieved in so exemplary a fashion!

For this most impressive and diagonal parking tactic, which demonstrates that the forces of bollard-dom are characterised by an approach which the intelligent drivers of Aberdeen Cars can easily overcome, the driver of this Aberdeen Car is awarded the field commission of Brigadier in our Anti-Bollard League. Congratulations!

Fury at Road Closed Misery

Road Closed Misery.

The more you look, the more you see. This bollard-driven menace curtails the freedom of the blameless drivers of Aberdeen Cars to go about their business creating much needed economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire". It robs motorists of the road-space for which they pay road tax and curtails traffic flow. Traffic flow is where economic growth comes from.

Anderson Drive - If only!

Beechwood Road.

Cornhill Road

Not content with punishing the already-hard-pressed and tax-farmed motorist with increasing parking charges, our council in all its wisdom,has decided to further punish the innocent motorist by blocking off some of the favourite commuter rat-runs, thus rendering them usable only by tax dodging pedestrians and cyclists.

It's a disgrace!

If any readers have instances of bollard-driven road-closed misery at which they'd like to vent their fury, then they can click our emergency-denunciation hot-link over to the right and e-mail aberdeencars@gmail.com with full details and photos.

When they do, we'll enroll them in our "Anti-bollard League".

Barriers to the Uptake of Driving Really Nice Cars

They give with one hand, and they take away with the other.



On Aberdeen's Pitstruan Place, the driver of Aberdeen Car Jaguar XK8 Coupe reg. L1MJF with its 4.2 litre engine is faced with an infuriating dilemma.

The authorities have put in a 'traffic calming' raised platform to assist with PaveParking. Those low profile tires and alloys don't take kindly to bumping up kerbs! That's why we usually like those 'raised platform' things. They're nearly as good as dropped kerbs for helping with PaveParking.

But in this case, the raised platform access to the pavement is blocked. Yes blocked, not only by the tree, but also by a hated bollard. Plaudits are due to our Jag driver for showing willing and getting at least some of his tyres up and onto the pavement. Dedication!

This is the very opposite of joined-up thinking from our local government. If they want Aberdeen "City and Shire" to be a forward-looking city with lots of economic growth and people driving really nice cars, then these barriers must be removed forthwith so that the drivers of the very loveliest cars can get them properly up on the pavement where they belong - letting the traffic FLOW!

More Cars on More Roads Leads To Rome

While some misguided commentators call for Aberdeen to adopt a Northern European model of traffic management, we here at Aberdeen Cars call for a more nuanced approach. You see, the greenie hippies and other War on the Motorist crusaders are always banging on about global warming and trying to make hard-pressed motorists feel guilty about getting about using the transport mode of their convenience and free choice.

Well, firstly, let us point out that anyone who lives in Aberdeen "City and Shire" would be perfectly reasonably within their rights to think that a bit of warming would be a good thing. Particularly this winter! Brrrr!

So if global warming is real (which it isn't! - everyone knows it's just an excuse to tax Britain's beleaguered motorists more and more!) and the climate heats up, we should expect more Mediterranean-style weather. Therefore, we should adopt Southern European models for traffic management - as pointed out in this illustrative, educational and inspiring photograph taken by Bill, Other Aberdeen's Foreign Correspondent, reporting from the streets of Rome.

Dateline Roma

Bill submitted his report by clicking the CitizenContribution hot-link to the left of the page and e-mailing his copy to abedeencars@gmail.com And for that we thank him very much.

As this plucky foreign corespondent's reportage states, both cars in the picture are parked, it was getting near the end of the day and some of the cars had moved off making this parking position look all the more innovative. Note the zebra crossing, the drivers of both cars didn’t - and why should they? The road-space in Roma is rightly theirs to do with as they please.

An interesting aspect of this photo is the so-called 'smart parking' by the Smart Car. At Aberdeen Cars we don't really like smart cars, we think that they are the thin end of a very big environmental wedge. So we're pleased to see the proper car - the 4x4 - blocking it in and teaching the Smart Car's driver an important lesson: "Ooops, sorry, we thought your car was just a bollard. Or maybe a bin."

More Obstacles

Regular readers will know that we've covered the parking options outside the Co-op on Holburn Street once or twice before. Or maybe even three times.


Anyhow, over the last few weeks, in competition to the Co-op, a new 'not normally manned' Tesco Metro outlet has opened on the neighbouring site once occupied by legendary hardware store The Colour Box. A concerned citizen contributer got in touch and asked us to explain the function of the bollards which have since appeared on the pavement outside the new Tesco.

It's obvious to us that the bollards are a disgusting anti-motorist measure placed there as a sop to the filthy hippy vegitarians which the Tesco hopes to attract away from the pinko communist hive of the Co-op next door. These dangerous bollards intimidate the blameless and beleaguered hard-pressed tax-farmed motorist by threatening (as we've covered very recently) to scratch his lovely car should he attempt a PaveParking maneuver, which is, of course, the right of the motorist, particularly in Aberdeen where we are in the vanguard of providing the necessary economic growth which will pull the whole of the UK out of the doldrums.

At least we see the other legitimate use for pavements (other than PaveParking) being well demonstrated in the photo. Yes. Pavements are for bins. Fact.

Obstacles

Awful. Really disturbing.

A new phenomenon stalks the pavements of Aberdeen. A danger, an imposition. It's a dreadful inconvenience and we'll do everything we can to make sure it's removed.



Yes, the first example shows an inappropriately placed bollard on Aberdeen's Albyn Lane which has prevented the driver of Aberdeen Car Peugeot 106 XL reg. P815SNP from using the pavement to facilitate his or her desire to PavePark in the usual manner. This disgusting bollard has actually damaged the wing of this nice car, thus rendering it less nice. It's a disgrace.





The second example shows an inappropriately planted sapling tree on the pavement of Aberdeen's Broomhill Avenue. (Trees! On an avenue! Imagine!) This disturbing and unwelcome addition to the urban environment has prevented the driver of Aberdeen Car Renault Megane Scenic 'Expression' (oooh!) reg. MW55UBS from making best use of the pavement for proper PaveParking. Not only that, the tree has inconsiderately blocked the rear passenger door. This is really dangerous, as any rear passenger will now have to exit direct into the carriageway, where any passing motorist will be perfectly within their rights to mow them down. Moreover, trees attract dangerous insects and rodentia and often drip corrosive sticky sap onto innocent, clean, nice cars, thus rendering them less nice.

Something must be done!