Victory nearly complete!

A reader has submitted a YouTube video which we are delighted to embed below. The auteur has made and exhibited his film in order to demonstrate his fear and hatred of people getting about on bicycles. This is commendable, and we look forward to seeing many more films from him exploring this theme.


However, even the greatest works of art have a flaw, and we hope that the film-maker won't mind that we point out what has been missed. It's quite obvious, really. And it's actually really good news!

In his precis on the YouTube hosting page, the auteur expounds at length about how much he fears and hates people using bicycles on the pavement.We feel for him - no-one likes feeling frightened of stuff. But we also think that the video gives us reasons to be happy.

In the film, the priority given to motor traffic in the very centre of Aberdeen is demonstrated to have forced people on bicycles into conflict with people on foot. Can't our filmmaker see that this is exactly what is required?

For if conditions for people on foot and on bike have been made so very unattractive on the streets of Aberdeen "city and shire" that these people are squeezed into an ever-decreasing share of the urban realm, herded behind barriers and forced to use two-stage crossings with those enclosures in the middle which traffic engineers unblushingly call "sheep pens", then the logical conclusion will be that more and more of these people will abandon their attempts to use "active travel" and just get in the car for their city-centre shopping trips. Then our Victory will be complete! So we thank the film-maker for submitting this video which documents that every day we force more people on bikes off of our roads; and by doing so, we make it more and more likely that they will just take the car the next time they're thinking about going to Union Square for some Handmade Burgers. In this way Aberdeen City and Shire can help to pull the UK economy out of recession.

Check it out:


(aaargh! Royalty-free music soundtrack warning! Turn down your speakers!)

Are You a "WINTER WALKER"?

A couple of weeks ago, we wrote about our approval of the dangerism propagated by the CTC (Cycle Touring Club)...

Dangerism is a term which refers to the practice of maximising the perception of risk and the cultivation of fear and the accommodation of those fears by a "hardening" of safety measures, which then, in turn feed back into a greater yet perception of risk in an increasingly strident feedback howl, until an activity comes to be regarded (however irrationally) as being almost unthinkably dangerous.

...was what we said. Dangerism is marvellous, for it allows a pro-motoring message to be couched in terms of road safety. Similar approaches to 'safety' in transport choices can be seen all around. From the marvelous "Walkodile" for children to the propagation of cycle helmet and hi-vis clothing campaigns for cyclists, dangerism is always with us these days. On behalf of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars, we approve of all this dangerism, because it actually succeeds in getting across the message that walking and cycling are not safe, all the while absolving the blameless hard-pressed motorist of all blame. These are not "safety" campaigns, they are "danger" campaigns which serve the aim of frightening pestestrians and cyclists back into their cars, where they should be anyway! What we particularly like about all this road "safety" stuff is that it never ever ever suggests that the important drivers of Aberdeen Cars examine their own behaviour. Instead, these dangerist initiatives always focus on the potential victims of traffic "accidents", and put all emphasis on how the victims probably had it coming. After all, what did they think they were doing - deciding to walk or cycle in the first place? Everyone knows that it's common sense that walking and cycling are dangerous.

So now we congratulate our partners at Grampian Police, NHS Scotland, First Bus and Aberdeen City Council on their latest piece of dangerism: Operation Winter Walker, which is aimed at senior citizen pestestrians.

The Operation Winter Walker materials are full of dangerism best practice, emphasising the hazard and fear which the Police, the NHS, First Bus, and the council want old people to associate with walking.

"Don't Learn Road Safety By Accident!" shriek the Operation Winter Walker posters and handouts, subtly re-introducing the word "accident" into the transport lexicon. For some time now, the word "accident" has not been used by the authorities, and the word "collision" has been used instead: "RTC - Road Traffic Collision". We applaud this police-sponsored use of the word "accident", with its connotations of blamelessness for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars - it's a return to common sense attitudes at last, and a sign that the War on the Motorist is finally over.

However, we would be lax in our communitarian Big Society responsibility if we were not to point out that there is, perhaps, a pressing issue behind the necessity for Operation Winter Walker - and that's the fact that poverty is forcing senior citizens out of their cars and on to the pavements. Shame. It must be that, for what other reason could there possibly be for the older generation to choose to walk about the place, particularly in winter? It shames us as a society that our old age pensioners cannot afford to get about in a nice wee car.

Aberdeen Council Cancel Mary Portas Free Parking Plan

We got all excited about the forthcoming suspension of parking charges in Aberdeen "City and Shire". You'll all remember, just before Xmas, that Mary Portas off the telly saying that the only way to save 'the High Street' is for councils to offer free parking in town centres. The BBC covered it:

Free parking
Having affordable town centre parking is another key recommendation.
In a recent survey, the Federation of Small Businesses (FSB) found that 50% of their members said the lack of affordable town centre parking had a detrimental effect on their business.
John Walker, chairman of the FSB, said: "Putting in place free controlled parking schemes and introducing a parking league table could go some way in [addressing] this."

And yes, we agree with this, it must be put on any sensible planning horizon. The common sense policy of free parking in city centres is long overdue and much needed and would definitely go a long way to easing traffic woes. We already pay enough for the privilege of driving our nice cars into town. We are already taxed to the eyeballs with road taxes and council parking charges are just another tax on motoring from our anti-car, anti-business, anti-growth council. That Mary Portas off the telly is right to announce that parking should be free for important wealth creators like us, bringing in our extensive buying power at high speed from our hinterland dormitories to the US-style covered-mall shopping pleasuredomes of Aberdeen. Being off the telly, she is sure to be perfectly correct in all her opinions and recommendations. We should take note.

But did our council listen to this important and correct TV personality in her call for free parking for the important wealth creating drivers of Aberdeen Cars? Did they listen? Oh no, they think they know better... As everyone knows, in recent years our council has done everything they can to discourage people coming into the city by car, cloaking their anti-car, anti-growth, anti-Aberdeen measures in a green mantle of environmentalism.

And so it continues... we noticed this in council-subsidised local freesheet: The Aberdeen Citizen (BEST [sic] free newspaper in Scotland) :

But Aberdeen City Council's planning and infrastructure convenor Kate Dean said the [parking] controls were there for a reason. "If you do not want to get fined, then park in the correct place," she said. "We would also hope that people use public transport which would reduce congestion as well." She said she did not support the scrapping of parking charges...

Typical. Just typical. But we can take a crumb of comfort... nowhere in her anti-car rant does Kate Dean mention that anything should be done to support or promote active transport modes like walking or cycling. Thank goodness, for these treehugger activities have no place in the city of the future (which is unlikely to have any trees for them to hug anyway). Aberdeen's latest multi-million pound indoor shopping mall - ultramodern Union Square with its extensive outdoor and covered parking accessible by thrillingly spiral ramp - that's what the city of the future will look like.

One of the reasons for the success of Union Square is that – once you have battled your way through the traffic – at least the parking is adequate and reasonably priced. 

We suppose that we have to agree to an extent, though, with Kate Dean; we agree with her that some people should be expected always to need public transport to get them to the shops - shame. Some people in the underclass will always just be too poor to afford a really nice car to get them to Union Square with its welcoming, vibrant car parking.

So, to sum up, our council needs to take note and make things right and ease transport with lots of free or very cheap car parking space and extra road capacity for cars, so that our city centre can yes become a welcoming place again, regardless of how people choose to travel, whether by car, or public transport. Either option is open. See - we're not monsters. (As long as they don't come on foot or by bike - haha, for goodness sake! Be reasonable!)

Victory!

In case you missed it, here is a press release from the council for a "Planned Walk" which took place in the week before Christmas:

http://www.aberdeencity.gov.uk/CouncilNews/ci_cns/pr_health_walk_191211.asp

Winter walk planned for Duthie Park

19/12/11

Aberdeen City Council's ranger service is inviting local residents to take part in the latest in a series of walks in the city this week.

The Health Walks programme was devised by the Ranger Service in partnership with NHS Grampian and the Forestry Commission Scotland and includes walks of varying intensity and length.

The next one will be held on Thursday [22 December] from 2pm and will be an easy paced walk around Duthie Park. Participants are asked to meet outside the café by the David Welch Winter Gardens, off Polmuir Road.

Countryside Ranger Ruth Bone said: "If it is not too chilly we will extend the walk and take in a bit of the Deeside Line. A winter walk is a great way to relax and escape the pre-Christmas rush for an hour or so. Walkers can warm up with a cup of tea in the café afterwards."

The walk is free but places must be booked by calling 01224 897400. Donations to the Ranger Service will be welcomed.

Additionally, the "planned walk" around this city centre park is supported by a 12-page leaflet, which you can view here (pdf).

Here are some highlights from this 'how to walk in a park' guide:

This is one of a series of nine booklets showing different walks around Aberdeen city.
The walks begin in your local community and include green spaces on your own doorstep. The walks vary in distance and estimated times for completion have been provided.
Some walks are completely flat, whilst others may include a moderate slope. Read the route card first so that you know what to expect. 

[...]

A network of paths exists around Duthie Park providing a variety of different options. Whether you start at the cafeteria or the car parks off Polmuir Road/Riverside Drive, you can choose to complete a short circular route or extend the length of the walk taking in the boating lake or the rose gardens. 

All paths are tarmac, mainly flat with a few small uphill and downhill sections. The rose gardens are a beautiful area to explore, however the steep sections it includes do offer more of a challenge. 

So, there you have it. On the 22 of December 2011 the victory of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars was final, complete and total. For, on that day, the simple activity of taking a short stroll around a city centre park became a challenging fringe activity requiring special permission and planning, booking even. Not only that, walking around a city centre park is now officially an activity best undertaken in the presence of a "ranger", like gorge walking or white-water rafting or some other sort of extreme sport involving what they call "intensity".

We have only one qualm about the council press release heralding this "planned walk". Can you see what it is? Yes, it's the fact that, despite booking being required, this activity is trumpeted as being "free".

C'mon Aberdeen City Council! Try harder! Let's see if, in these austerity times, we can't find some way to make these extreme-sport aficionados - these so called "walkers" - pay for their weird proclivities. 

We call on the quislings to consolidate progress.

On your behalf; on behalf of the hard-pressed tax-farmed motorists of the car-driven economic powerhouse that is Aberdeen "City and Shire"; on behalf of progress towards more cars on more roads; and on behalf of the quest to deliver ever more wealth and riches into the hands of we Tycoons of Aberdeen, as you probably know we undertake sometimes distasteful work researching the output of the outer lunatic fringe of the so-called "active and sustainable transport" lobby in Scotland. Their newsletters, handouts, nasty little blogs and poorly-designed and coded web-pages are where we must practice our filthy duplicity.

Undertaking this distasteful work, once or twice, we have had to report back from our trips to those outer limits with bad news for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. So, you can imagine our exultant delight when we notice that vegetarian tree-hugging tax-dogers at Spokes (the Edinburgh and Lothian Cycling Campaign) have got their lycra bib-tight thingiess in a twist at the forthcoming slashing of the budget for "Cycling, Walking and Safer Streets".

 They say:

CYCLING AND WALKING : a Scottish Government 2012-13 disaster

The Scottish Government draft 2012-13 budget, now being consulted on, is a disaster for walking and cycling. Total transport spending rises from £1804m in 11-12 to £1884m in 12-13, thanks to a near £100m boost for trunk roads and motorways from £558m to £655m. In contrast to that huge and growing total, the meagre sums devoted to active travel are being slashed.

Naturally, we are delighted that this is what is coming to pass, what with that big boost in the budget for the trunk roads and motorways which we love.  So far, so good.

But then, Citizen Contributer "Ali" emailed aberdeencars@gmail.com and wrote to us to tell of a potential threat to this enlightented policy of getting shot of this useless contribution of our hard-earned road-and-fuel-tax contributions to freeloading cyclists and pestestrains. "Ali" says:

Dear Mr Skidmark,


It seems budgets are all the rage this week - King Alex and his Merry Men have recently issued the draft one for the Scottish Executive (err sorry I mean Government). Excellent news for the motorist with vastly increased spending on roads and a significant reduction in cycling on "active travel". Yes thats right, less and less for those freeloading walkers and cyclists, AMAZING!


Unfortunately that well known subversive group the "Aberdeen Cycle Forum" seems to be plotting against the government:
http://www.aberdeencycleforum.org.uk/index.php?pf=news.php&nid=136
If we are not carefull this could lead to an overthrow of the car owning democracy that we are, and indeed of King Alex himself. Please publicise this risk through your most excellent publication.


Yours
Ali

Firstly, thanks "Ali" for your contribution, we appreciate it. But please don't worry! The subversive group you mention: the self-styled "Aberdeen Cycle Forum" (ACF) are a nest of quisling pro-motorcar activists and are actually on our side!  

You just have to think about it...

Firstly, their website abounds with the word "challenge": Aberdeen Cycle Forum Challenge, Chief Executive Cycle Challenge, Annual Commuter Challenge. Brilliant! The message is clear - cycling is a challenge, something hard, something difficult and unusual - like mountaineering or world-record attempts.

Secondly, we notice a little bit of friction between ACF and CTC Grampian (another "cycling advocacy" group) over the issue of bike lanes at pedestrian refuge pinch points. We do not propose to examine the esoterica of this arcane dispute, it is enough for us to note that the two groups are at each other's throats over this inconsequential piece of nothing. Divide and conquer; as long as these two groups are busy knocking lumps out of each other over this and other issues, they will not impinge upon the activities of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Good.

Sling up a sign. That's all that's needed to keep
the cyclists quiet, and more importantly -
out of our goddam way!

Thirdly, and probably the most clever piece of tradecraft exhibited by the ACF double agents, is that they do everything they can to promote the 'shared use' pedestrian and cyclist infrastructure which we see popping up all over the place in Aberdeen "City and Shire" these days. Everywhere we look there are "Dual Use" paths and "Toucan" crossings. Brilliant. These serve our aims in four ways.

• One - they encourage cyclists to get off our road and out of our way. 
• Two - they make the authorities appear to be doing something green, something for the cyclists, all the while spending the very minimum and not actually doing very much at all in the way of creating suitable new infrastructure for cycling. 
• Three - these dual-use facilities do not reduce the amount of roadspace allocated to cars, while in effect reducing the amount of space available for walking (by forcing cyclists onto the pavement) and marginalising cycling (by treating cyclists as equivalent to pedestrians). 
• And four - they put pedestrians and cyclists into direct conflict, making the cycling experience difficult and making the walking experience unpleasant and dangerous. 

All of this couldn't suit us better! The more the disincentives to walking and cycling which groups like ACF manage to put into place,  the lower the uptake of cycling and walking as transport modes around Aberdeen "City and Shire" and the higher the modal share for cars = good.

Finally, in their newsletter material, ACF are usually keen to picture themselves. In contrast to the trendy aspirational look promoted by successful cycle advocacy groups worldwide (like the infamous Copenhagen Cycle Chic), ACF rock a quite different look.

But which...

...is which?

As everyone in Aberdeen "City and Shire" knows, more cars on more roads is the one and only way to ensure that the necessary economic growth is created to enable Aberdeen to pull the rest of UK plc out of recession. We therefore applaud and thank Aberdeen Cycle Forum for working so hard to put barriers in the way of the uptake of cycling as a mass transportation mode, for their craven kowtowing on behalf of all Aberdeen cyclists to the needs of motor-transport, and for their enviable success in making cyclists look like total out-group arseholes. Thank you very much. The predominance of nice cars on our roads is down to people like you. The abject failure of cycling as a mode of mass transport in Britain is down to people like you. That cycling is marginalised and regarded as, at best, a pastime for children is down to you. That cycling is perceived as a dangerous, difficult, special activity requiring special permission, equipment, planning and a reckless disregard for one's personal safety is down to you. The removal of funds for Cycling, Walking and Safer Streets is down to you. We think you're amazing...

Keep up the good work!

UK's Biggest Push to Cut Car Use

Whaaaaat!

Oh. My. God. What a horrible headline?!!

This news arrived in our e-mail inbox from UK greenwashing quango SUSTRANS, who are big on attention grabbing headlines (obviously).

A read of the article here, though, soothed our minds, apparently, this "biggest ever push" consists solely of the fact that, for one year only:

Around 63,000 homes in Cardiff and Penarth are being offered personalised travel advice from Sustrans to help them plan their local journeys on foot, by bike and on public transport. 

After the initial year, if they can get funding, then they might do something else similar in another small corner of somewhere else in Wales.

Can you imagine our relief? Firstly, this "initiative" is in a small local area, in far away country full of people of whom we know nothing. But secondly, and much more significantly, this "project" does not involve doing anything which experience in other countries shows would actually reduce the use of cars: It does not involve a moratorium on the creation of car-parking spaces in towns; it does not involve road-pricing or congestion-charging; it does not involve road closures or roadspace-reallocation; it does not involve a carbon tax and it does not involve the sequestration of our road-taxes for a segregated cycling infrastructure building-programme. In short, this "biggest ever push" to get UK drivers to "just leave the car at home" consists of a couple of hand-wringing veggie do-gooder volunteers schlepping around with carrier bags full of leaflets (see below), knocking on doors in Cardiff, needily begging tax-payers and wealth-creators not to use the car once in a while. And to think, when we saw the headline, we were afraid that SUSTRANS were getting serious!

Of course, we should have known better, because all the evidence points to SUSTRANS being on-side with the Hard-Pressed Motorist. After all, SUSTRANS  heavily promulgate the facts that walking is a special activity, which requires special planning, special food, special equipment and special authorisation. See the SUSTRANS "Stride Guide" (pdf) info-sheet on "how to walk".

http://www.sustrans.org.uk/assets/files/Safe%20Routes/resources/toolkit/SRS_Stride_Guide.pdf

In this amazing anti-walking pamphlet which includes a 5-week countdown checklist for getting ready to walk, SUSTRANS suggests that walkers should consider singing a special song, be made to write poetry, wear fancy dress and eat veggie sausages. And we didn't even make any of that up.

While, of course, it is true that most people who walk are oddly-dressed vegetarian poetry-writers, if anything, we think that SUSTRANS has gone a bit too far this time in lampooning the vegan anti-car fanatics; its difficult to suspend disbelief when reading this satirical broadside. They even go so far as to say that walkers should carry passports!

We're all glad to know that SUSTRANS has a pro-status-quo greenwashing agenda, but this time they have gone too far, they need to calm down their frothy-mouthed rhetoric. We all know that hippy layabout tax-dodging oblimovist walkers and cyclists need to be shown that their so-called "sustainability" is harming the economy, but what we question is whether pushing against them and ranting about their vegan, poetry-writing funny-clothes-wearing is the most considered approach. Baiting walkers in such an immature and hostile way is only going to result in a big "**** you" rather than a considered "yes, you're right, walking is ridiculous, I should be supporting the economy by using our nice cars whenever we can, thus providing much employment and contributing greatly in taxes and giving the place a real 'buzz' of activity."

One thing we do agree with SUSTRANS on, though, is their insistence that walkers carry "a special passport" - like the pass-papers carried by black, asian and mixed-race people in apartheid-era South Africa, it will allow the authorities to swiftly identify the trouble-makers and flag them up for processing.


Look: This is the sort of thing we were afraid that SUSTRANS were about to announce. Thank god that what's happening in Wales just turned out to be a leafletting exercise.

Walkodile

This really is the worst thing we have ever seen. Really. Check it out on the website "Walk-o-dile". We saw this item being used by kids in the city's sought-after and ever-popular Ferryhill district the other day and we were just horrified.

Here are some pics:

Yes indeed this is truly horrible. Imagine, a company here in the north east of Scotland - in Aberdeenshire - which has as its main aim the manufacture and promotion of a system which enables young children to be taken outside - without a car! Disgusting. It's a kind of abuse, isn't it? We must assume that these are the children of poor people because otherwise they would be in a car, wouldn't they? In which case, what were they doing in Ferryhill? We considered calling the police.



On the other hand, if children must go outside (and we suppose that in these PC-brigade-dominated days it is necessary to do a bit of greenwashing here and there), there is something to be said for a system that teaches young children that walking about outside is something which requires special planning, special high-visibility clothing, special equipment and special permission. It is not something you can do independently; you are required to be part of a team which is tethered in a rigid and arbitrary hierarchy. Moreover, it teaches these kids that they will, for the rest of their lives, be constrained and chained. Freedom but a dream, they will be forced into rigid and arbitrary hierarchies, ordered where to go and when to go there. It is great that this lesson will be forced upon the coming generation from their pre-school days - by the time they are ready to join the workforce they will be pre-conditioned for unquestioning obediance. Indeed, they will have become dependent upon the constraints and chains which are put upon them from their earliest memory. They will be unquestionably and unquestioningly ready to service capital in the pursuit of endless economic growth. And that's all that really matters, isn't it?

Check out the inventor, she is really clever:

In Town - Without My Car!

In Town Without My Car

But with my car and/or White Van

Useful local Aberdeen "City and Shire" greenwash outfit "GetAbout" staged an amazing display of plausible-deniabilty anti-cycling fummery at the weekend on the city's Belmont Street. As part of "Alternative Mobility: European Mobility Week" they put on an "In Town - Without My Car!" event. Elsewhere, the event is know as "European Car-Free Day", which is why our city chose to hold the event on a street which is already part of a pedestrianised area. In other places which value economic growth less than we do, they close normal roads for the day! Imagine! Aren't they funny?!

In order to stage the event, many motor vehicles (which are normally banned from Belmont Street and its feeder lanes) filled the streets and the roadspace was hemmed in by crowd-control barriers to create a couple of circuits for novelty-cycling demonstrations involving pre-teen children on recumbants, a clown bike, tricycles, a hand powered bike and other such useless non-transport stuff. There was even a climbing wall. Officials were on hand to ensure that anyone who wanted to participate on a novelty bike was suitably attired with high-vis tabards and crash helmets, which are of course necessary when riding a bike. So great was the emphasis on safety danger that there was an entire stall set up to hand out high-vis tabards.

All in all, we thought that GetAbout's handling of the event was a great success because:

• It greatly reduced the amount of space available to pedestrians in the Belmont Street pedestrianised areas, inconveniencing them and making them blame cyclists.
• It reinforced the impression that cycling is a funny novelty which is mostly just for children. Or clowns on comedy bikes.
• It reinforced the feeling that cycling is a special activity requiring special planning and permission, and necessitating the use of special safety apparel.
• It confirmed the fact that cycling is dangerous - like the rock-climbing demonstration which was run in parallel. Indeed, it seems that, according to GetAbout, cycling and rock-climbing require almost identical safety equipment. Cycling is therefore as dangerous and frightening as rock-climbing.
• Because (as has already been established) cycling is as dangerous and frightening as rock-climbing, it has no place in the city centre. Don't be silly.
• By refusing to close any roads which were not already pedestrianised, the event confirmed that motor traffic will never, never give way to cycling or make space for it as a useful mode of transport in Aberdeen City and Shire, and nor should it be asked to. Don't be silly.
• It insulted people who actually do use bikes in Aberdeen City and Shire, reinforcing their status as an out-group to be regarded with suspicion and contempt.

So, all in all, a great day's greenwash from GetAbout, paying lipservice to cycling while actually pointing out that cycling is at best a laughably comedic novelty pastime for children, but is at worst a dangerous inconvenient menace. Yes, GetAbout achieved all this, with great fanfare and hulabaloo, and all the while did nothing, in fact - less than nothing, to reduce the number of cars in the centre of Aberdeen. Genius. We salute their kung-fu skills!

These vehicles are expected to replace cars by 2020. Hahahaha.

Just right for the commute!

Off to the shops - all she needs is a pannier.

On the way to a business meeting.

All future entrepreneurs will be driving one of these.

A Clown

Children only!

Oh Doctor Beeching.... Thankyou!

A little while ago we wrote of Aberdeen and Grampian Chambers of Commerce (AGCC) and their exciting aspiration to run a thrilling futuristic monorail on the route of the old Deeside Railway instead of the useless Sustrans National Cycle Route 195 which currently occupies that transport corridor like some sort of freeloading dog-in-a-manger.



While the AGCC monorail proposal for the Old Deeside Line is brilliant and forward looking, we couldn't help but think that there was something not quite right - that the proposal was missing something obvious. We said that one of the benefits of the monorail would be the fact that it would likely put the bus-route along North Deeside Road out of business, thus freeing up precious road-space for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. But perhaps we would be best to take a leaf out of the book developed by our English cousins in the South West, where plans are afoot to turn the disused Bath to Bristol railway (currently only used by arrogant horsey people, walkers, cyclists, joggers, dog walkers, children, old people and all sorts of other petrol-tax-dodging people who are either unemployed or underemployed - in short, people who don't count and about whom we don't like to think) into a rapid-transit bus corridor. We understand that these plans are currently on hold. While not as exciting, futuristic, thrilling and forward-thinking as our own railway path monorail, there is much to recommend the Bristol/Bath bus plan. Primarily the fact that it will immediately get the hated buses off the road, freeing up precious roadspace between Bristol and Bath for more and nicer cars and vans, like those driven by the nice people at Bristol Traffic.

Bristol/Bath Railway Path

(Photo by Steinsky via Wikimedia commons)

But, of course, all this is just stupid. What a lot of nonsense, to think of converting these paths for public transport, when much more obvious and pragmatic use is clear to see. Via a citizen contributer known only as "Edinburgh Tags", we hear of a better solution yet, and one pioneered here in Bonnie Scotland! A part of the former Edinburgh Suburban and Southside Junction Railway (as closed by the Sainted Beeching) has been turned by Network Rail into a road, for cars and vans. No mamby-pambying around with compromise public transport options (however thrilling or futuristic), they have cut straight to the chase and pragmatically decided that what the market economy really calls for, what's really needed in order for economic activity to flourish, is more roadspace for more cars and vans. The trackbeds of the railways closed by Doctor Beeching in our Nation's Capital are seen as an ideal solution to increase the stock of available roadspace in Edinburgh.

Enter here.

Passing space - thoughtful!

That sign's not there for cyclists, pedestrians or arrogant horsey people.

No, its there for the drivers of Edinburgh Cars to ignore!

So yes, the capital leads the way. We must follow their example and get rid of the walkers, cyclists and equestrians from these former railway line routes. Never mind thinking of a monorail. Discard thoughts of dedicated bus lanes. We should take a leaf out of Edinburgh's book and convert the Old Deeside Line Sustrans Route 195 into a road for cars immediately. Economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire" (and so, by extension the rest of UK "plc") would then be assured!



The only weird thing is that it's taken this long since Beeching closed the railways in the 1960's for this obvious and inevitable solution to be identified for all that dead space!

Monorail Solution

Recent blue-sky thinking for the future shape of economic growth in Aberdeen "City and Shire" has included all sorts of exciting, futurisic themes and schemes like high speed monorails and space-age glass domes covering the city centre. We think it's all very thrilling!

Old Deeside Line
Sustrans Route 195
at Milltimber

It has been pointed out that these ideas are, of course, in the realm of 'visions' and lack achievability. But, some pragmatic voices have spoken out. In particular, we like the fact that it has been reported that one unnamed Aberdeen and Grampian Chamber of Commerce member has suggested monorails as a "solution" to the transport linkage along the Old Deeside Line.

A solution? As some readers might be aware, the railway that sainted Beeching shut - the Deeside Line from Aberdeen to Ballater - has recently been awarded Sustrans National Route status. That means that those poor cycling and walking people and arrogant horsey people feel that they're being looked after in some way. So what "solution" could be required?

Well, it's subtle, but the logic is devastating. When people walk or cycle it costs them nothing. They get all the way to work or the shops for no extra cost whatsoever. Now, according to the RAC the average person running the average car pays about £550 per month for the privilege. And the average rate of earnings is about £11/hour. Therefore the average person works about 50 hours per month purely to own the car that they use to get them to and from work.

Sydney Monorail
Harbour to Airport

We think that this is absolutely ridiculous. The freeloading pedestrians and cyclists should be made to pay like everyone else. Therefore we think that the so-called Sustrans National Route 195 should be replaced with a high-tech expensive monorail, with ticket prices approaching but just less than those of the hated bus route which runs parallel on North Deeside Road. The monorail will therefore put the bus out of business - making more space on the exclusive prestigious North Deeside Road for the important drivers of Lovely Aberdeen Cars, and the monorail will force those who currently walk or cycle on on the Old Deeside Line to pay for their journey, as much as £10 for a return to Peterculter once the bus has been competed off the route.

That way, the freeloaders will have to work harder and for longer hours to make up the extra cost of their getting to work. And in turn, that harder work for longer hours will contribute to economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire". Genius! Monorail for the Old Deeside Line!

Separation Principles?

As part of our distasteful work researching what's important to cyclists (I know, but somebody's got to do it), we came across this diagram from some Danish manual on cycle infrastructure:

Now, you can see the trap they've fallen into there. They've actually regarded cycling as something to promote, something to facilitate. And so they've ended up with stuff like this nonsense on Copenhagen Cycle Chic.

If only they'd adopted the UK model, then they could have the proper sort of car-priority infrastucture we enjoyed by the Drivers of Aberdeen Cars.

Aberdeen Cycle Forum is On Our Side

As our ongoing research into the activities of Aberdeen's so-called cycling community continues, we are obliged to visit websites we wouldn't otherwise visit and read newsletters we wouldn't otherwise read. Yes, it's a nasty job, but somebody's got to do it.

However, to our great surprise we find that, in common with our own undercover agent (Codename JannieJumbo) the so-called cycling activists are actually double-agents promoting policies which will actually benefit the drivers of Aberdeen Cars! We delightedly exposed the pro-motor activities of CTC Grampian the other day, and so today we've been looking at the activities of that other cycling 'pressure group' - Aberdeen Cycle Forum (ACF). And we were delighted by what we saw on their website!

Firstly, their website abounds with the word "challenge": Aberdeen Cycle Forum Challenge, Chief Executive Cycle Challenge, Annual Commuter Challenge. Brilliant! The message is clear - cycling is a challenge, something hard, something difficult and unusual, like mountaineering or world-record attempts.

Secondly, we notice a little bit of friction between Aberdeen Cycle Forum and CTC Grampian over the issue of bike lanes at pedestrian refuge pinch points. We do not propose to examine the esoterica of this arcane dispute, it is enough for us to note that the two groups are at each other's throats over this inconsequential piece of nothing. Divide and conquer; as long as these two groups are busy knocking lumps out of each other over this and other issues, they will not impinge upon the activities of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Good.

Sling up a sign. That's all that's needed to keep
the cyclists quiet, and more importantly -
out of our way!

Thirdly, and probably the most clever piece of tradecraft exhibited by the Aberdeen Cycle Forum double agents, is that ACF appear to be in love with the 'shared use' pedestrian and cyclist infrastructure which we see popping up all over the place in Aberdeen "City and Shire" these days. Everywhere we look there are "Dual Use" paths and "Toucan" crossings. Brilliant. These serve our aims in four ways. One - they encourage cyclists to get off our road and out of our way. Two - they make the authorities appear to be doing something green, something for the cyclists, all the while spending the very minimum and not actually doing very much at all in the way of creating suitable new infrastructure for cycling. Three - these dual-use facilities do not reduce the amount of roadspace allocated to cars, while in effect reducing the amount of space available for walking (by forcing cyclists onto the pavement) and marginalising cycling (by treating cyclists as equivalent to pedestrians). And four - they put pedestrians and cyclists into direct conflict, making the cycling experience difficult and making the walking experience unpleasant and dangerous. All of this couldn't suit us better! The more the disincentives to walking and cycling which groups like ACF manage to put into place the lower the uptake of cycling and walking as transport modes around Aberdeen "City and Shire" and the higher the modal share for cars.

Finally, in their newsletter material, ACF are usually keen to picture themselves. In contrast to the trendy aspirational look promoted by successful cycle advocacy groups worldwide (like the infamous Copenhagen Cycle Chic), ACF rock a quite different look.

But which...

...is which?

As everyone in Aberdeen "City and Shire" knows, more cars on more roads is the one and only way to ensure that the necessary economic growth is created to enable Aberdeen to pull the rest of UK plc out of recession. We therefore applaud and thank Aberdeen Cycle Forum for working so hard to put barriers in the way of the uptake of cycling as a mass transportation mode, for their craven kowtowing on behalf of all Aberdeen cyclists to the needs of motor-transport, and for their enviable success in making those cyclists look like total arseholes. Thank you very much.

Community Cycling Initiative Need Not Trouble Us

Aberdeen Community Cycle Challenge logo.

Wait a minute - on the left - he's not wearing a helmet!

We were initially concerned when we heard about Aberdeen City Council's "Community Cycle Challenge". Of course we were concerned - anything which promotes cycling is against our core values and primary aim of increasing the number of cars on the ever-increasing number of roads in Aberdeen "City and Shire". (We think economists call this "The Multiplier")

But then we realised that our council is engaged in some quite clever misdirection here. Firstly the name "Community Cycle Challenge". Yes: "Challenge". The message payload which is freighted within the very name of this initiative says that cycling is a challenge - difficult, unusual - like polar exploration, pot-holing, calligraphy or learning Japanese.

Further research comforted us more. This "Community Cycle Challenge" has been developed by pro-car local transport quango NESTRANS "in order to help a local community deliver an increase in cycling trips across a defined project area." Yes - a "defined project area". In this case the areas in question are covered by tiny local parish councils. This initiative will, we're delighted to report, do nothing to increase the number of cycle journeys taken across town or between individual project areas. If it achieves anything, the project will only create cycling 'ghettos'. And indeed this is confirmed; the one and only project which will be getting the go-ahead is in the tiny local area immediately around Greenbrae Primary School in the far flung Bridge of Don suburb.

This area at Bridge of Don was chosen as the one and only "Community Cycle Challenge" zone because of its participation in the risible "In Town, Without My Car!" day last year. This EU mobility initiative is intended to shut roads to motor traffic, like Broadway and Times Sq in New York have now done. But, of course, in Aberdeen we're wiser than that! New York has nothing to teach us! There's simply no way that we could ever stop important motorists from getting to the shops by car to create economic growth on a Saturday. So instead we closed the road outside a suburban primary school for a few hours on a Wednesday.

"In Town, Without My Car!"

All sorts of pointless and laughable activities were undertaken on that day in order to marginalise and humiliate the car-less. Fancy-dress was encouraged; a Grampian police officer delivered a "safety" lecture which emphasised how dangerous walking and cycling are; and a world record attempt involving synchronised cycle-bell tinging was undertaken. There was a fair-trade café run by hippy crusties. The message was clear - cycling and walking are for weirdly-dressed losers who don't care about their own safety; these activities require special permission from the authorities, need special planning and equipment and at best are whimsical and time-wastingly pointless activities.

Thus we must thank our local council for defusing that dangerous initiative and dis-arming its anti-car message. Firstly, Aberdeen City Council placed it in the context of a child-centred event (adults don't walk or cycle, and we should never ever suggest that they might or could, let alone should). Secondly, they succeeded in subverting and diverting the event in order to reinforce the message that walking and cycling are bizarre minority activities. Far better that these children remain apprehensive and in fear of independent travel and get used to the idea that they should aspire to getting about in a nice car when they grow up. We are pleased that the new ostensibly pro-cycling "Community Cycle Challenge" is being dealt with in a similar manner, and so is being subtly subverted to deliver a pro-car message. Brilliant!

So, this new "Community Cycle Challenge" initiative will not, thanks be to Ford, attempt to make any changes to the vital car-driving habits of the important people who generate economic growth in Aberdeen "City and Shire". Nor will it make any impact on the coming generation. No, this project will merely try to get some primary school kids in one area on the outskirts of town to cycle to school across the park once in a while.

Ford's in his flivver, all's right with the world.

Walking and Cycling in Aberdeenshire

A Warning from the Capital

We have been passed some photos which show a nightmarish distopian future for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. These photos were taken over the weekend in London's central Bloomsbury Area and demonstrate just how far the sinister forces of roadspace reallocation have penetrated into the public sphere in the capital.

First - just look at the size of those new pavements! The carriageway has been reduced to a tiny channel in the centre while the pampered pestestrians get all the space! Shocking.

Secondly, and even worse - in this photo an entire lane has been given over to the cyclits for a two-way fully segregated cycle lane in the Dutch style (nearly). Those freeloaders using up important roadspace. In the capital! What sort of example does this set the rest of the country?


The cyclits even get their own traffic lights. We don't know whether to laugh or cry.


We can, however, console ourselves with one thought: This area of central London where the forces of roadspace re-assignment have made such egregious strides onto the tarmac (which is our dearly paid-for right) is Bloomsbury. Home to intellectuals and host to colleges, universities, galleries and/or museums (what's the difference?). Thank Ford that we in Aberdeen are unencumbered by such people or institutions which might impinge on discourse in the public realm. Everyone knows that a city is nothing but the sum of the businesses which operate within it. And everyone knows that the only people who work for those businesses and who create the economic demand which those businesses fulfill are motorists. The authorities in London have made a wrong turn. The truth that they avoid recognising is that most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people like those so-called intellectuals in Bloomsbury expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating cycle lanes and wider pavements and the like for freeloading cyclists and pestestrians.

We must be careful not to repeat their mistake.

Further Yet More Road Closed Misery!

Another Road Closed!

Ugh! This is getting beyond a joke. Our increasingly smug (Stockholm syndrome?) double agent - Codename "Janniejumbo" - operating from his deep cover legend within the so-called cycling activist 'fraternity' left us a new microfilm in the latest dead-letter box behind the Denburn Heritage Dual Carriageway commemorative plaque on Rosemount Viaduct.

Haudagain Roundabout
Look at the congestion!

In this film, he exposes the fact that what should be a super-secret rat run for important motorists travelling between Rosehill to Bucksburn and avoiding the Haudagain Roundabout (second-worst roundabout in Britain) has been closed to all traffic but pestestrians, cyclits and arrogant horsey people.

It's a disgrace! We demand that this vital piece of nationally-important infrastructure be opened for use by the drivers of Abedeen Cars immediately. Not only that, we also want the planned 'improvements' at the Haudagain Roundabout to proceed immediately. The demolition of the tenement blocks at Logie and Manor to make way for a relief road will make a hundred or so people homeless, but - em, whatever! That's DSS-land anyway. About these people we care not one jot.

In any case, we like the council's choice of words about the necessity to demolish the tenements in Logie and Manor - they say that building a relief road on the site of these homes will:

...contribute to the City Council’s regeneration aims by complementing the development of the Logie/Manor area of Middlefield.

Contributing and Complementing

PaveParker of the Week! Y417XGB

JUST AMAZING. WE'RE STUNNED. FAN-PARKING-TASTIC!

This weeks deserved winner of our PaveParker of the Week award is the driver of Aberdeen Car Ford Focus Estate 1.6 LX reg. Y417XGB who has pioneered a brand new technique for parking on the streets and pavements of Aberdeen:

Yes, here we see on Aberdeen's Pitstruan Place the latest innovation in Aberdeen PaveParking: ChevronPaveParking!


The space available not being quite big enough for the driver or this Aberdeen Car (which is a sensible estate car), he or she has chosen to go in "on the slant", and so, instead of the usual two wheels on the pavement both belonging to either the onside or offside of the car, has planted both REAR WHEELS fully on the footway. Innovative!


Note also that by using this parking tactic, this sensible driver has made sure not to impinge on the part of the carriageway used for traffic flow (the source of all economic activity), thus demonstrating his or her commitment to sustainable economic growth. Additionally, by blocking off a good bit of the pavement, this driver is demonstrating that walking is frowned upon in this affluent area of town, despite the supposed rise in the number of people walking in Aberdeen.

The truth these pedestrian advocates avoid recognising is that most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people like them expect we motorists to ‘just leave the car at home once in a while’, while our money is spent creating pedestrian crossings, refuges, pavements and the like all for them freeloading walkers, who then don’t use them, much preferring to just come out of nowhere and step in front of our nice cars, thus endangering our no-claims bonuses.

And so, by the driver of this Aberdeen Car making this innovative use of the pavement for rear wheels evident by this exemplary anti-pedestrian action, we expect this new ChevronPaveParking meme to spread like wildfire through Aberdeen's stately residential avenues where economic growth and a much needed house-price uplift is the priority.

A Major Step Forward. For the Railways!

As if to demonstrate how backward this region is, today we hear that a £200 million is to be spent on that most outmoded, backward and 19th century mode of transport, the railway. There is even to be a brand new station in Kintore - ugh! (We won't use it, we'll just keep on driving into Aberdeen to demonstrate our high level of prestige.)

Outmoded

Backward

19th Century

As hard pressed motorists, the drivers of Aberdeen Cars must languish, ignored and unloved by the authorities; never knowing when our Bypass is going to be built, suffering constant traffic woes at the Haudagain Roundabout (the second-worst roundabout in Britain) and coping with the stress of knowing that our Heritage Dual Carriagway at Denburn Road is under threat. (Join our campaign to Save the Denburn Dual Carriageway. 'Like' us on FaceBook, 'Follow' us on Twitter.)

If we're not careful - Aberdeen will end up looking like this.

So yes, too much stress placed upon the shoulders - however broad they are - of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars, upon who's consumption of North Sea oil the UK economic recovery depends. It is time for our governments in Edinburgh and London to waken up to the national significance of what is at stake and to support Aberdeen Cars - support the Bypass (no matter how many deer must die), support the Haudagain Roundabout Improvements (no matter how many lower-income families will be made homeless at Middlefield) and stop investing in 'trendy' foreign forms of transport like railways, cycling and walking. You'd think that we were in continental Europe the way thinks are going!