PaveParker of the Week! BSM car WP11PWK

This week's PaveParker of the week also gets our new 'Corporate Franchise' Award. So, congratulations to the Corporate Franchise PaveParker of the Week driver of BSM Aberdeen Car WP11PWK.



We were particularly delighted that this car has been parked on the pavement in Aberdeen's historic Ruthrieston Road by a driving instructor. You see, cherished traditions are always and everywhere under threat, and we recently learned of such a threat...

At present, PaveParking is not particularly illegal, indeed the beauty of PaveParking, is, of course, that traffic wardens (or those busybody anti-motorist warriors - the "dreaded" community wardens) can't touch you for it: enforcement of footway parking being a police matter, under the “causing danger to other road users” and obstruction provisions of the Road Traffic Act (1988) and the Road Vehicles (Construction and Use) Regulations (1986). However, police usually take the view that they need to observe the vehicle being parked on the footway and then demonstrate that the driver had the intention to obstruct in order to be able to enforce the law. And so in practice it is rarely - if ever! - enforced. Yes, the police know that they've better things to do (like making sure that photographers know that society regards them as dangerous outsiders) than harassing hard-pressed motorists who're just parking cleverly.

PaveParking! It's clever, It's quick, it's convenient, it's free and it's not really all that illegal!

Or so we thought... back in the springtime we learned that Ross Finnie MSP had brought forward proposals for legislation (pdf) to 'regulate' parking on dropped kerbs and pavements. We were horrified to read this personal introduction by Finnie...

Unfortunately, cars parked across a dropped kerb or on a pavement are a common sight across Scotland. Far too many people just don’t realise the difficulty they cause people with mobility issues, especially wheelchair users and parents with pushchairs.

Many constituents have told me first hand of their frustration at not being able either to travel along the pavement freely due to a parked car or, in the case of wheelchair users, of their dismay at being unable to get off or on a pavement at a dropped kerb due to a parked car. For many an inappropriately parked car can be an irritation but for those who are wheelchair users, have mobility issues and have young children in pushchairs the situation is an unnecessary difficulty.

We think this is political correctness gone mad. So we were absolutely delighted when, come the election in May, the electorate punished Finnie for his lapse in judgement, and he lost his seat.

But - and here's the horror of it - we recently learned that Joe Fitzpatrick MSP is intending to bring the legislation forward. While we were horrified, we were not particularly surprised. Can it be a coincidence that this MSP, who wants to ban PaveParking is the representative for Dundee East? Can it be a coincidence that a representative of our artist-loving rival city is instrumental in attempting to ban a cherished feature of our way of life in Aberdeen? We know that, having missed out on the oil bonanza of the last 30 years, the Dundonians have an axe to grind and have a vested interest in seeing Aberdeen fail. That they should stoop so low as to try to interfere with our parking arrangements is disgusting and endangers the economic recovery.

PaveParking enhances traffic flow, and lots of flowing traffic on lots of busy roads means that lots of aspirational people in nice cars are going about their nationally-important business with alacrity generating economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire". That is the same economic growth which will pull the whole country out of recession, Aberdeen being the key economic powerhouse of the UK. So this proposed legislation from Dundee is anti-car, anti-Aberdeen and, therefore, anti-growth.




So all that's why we were delighted that the BSM driving instructor has placed her vehicle on the pavement - she's making a stand for Aberdeen against the anti-capitalist Dundonians and setting an example to her pupils: "Yes! - learner drivers - the pavements are for you too!"

After all, she is a driving instructor, not a walking instructor! And, judging by her girth, (not shown on photo) she gave up walking many many years ago - why walk when you've got a car? All valuable lessons to those she is teaching to drive (and park!) in Aberdeen.

We were so impressed by this display of PaveParking that we have e-mailed the BSM management to be sure that this instructor is specially singled out.

Essential Services - CHAP Construction SD05FCM

As everyone should know by now, the real estate and related construction sectors are the engine of economic growth, and Aberdeen "City and Shire" is the engine room. So we're very happy to report incontrovertible evidence of some activity in this vital sector. More to the point, we're delighted to note that this activity is being carried out with the style and aplomb which lays down a marker for the future. See CHAP construction's truck which we pictured on Aberdeen's Skene Terrace on Friday afternoon. Not only are these people building our way into the future, they're building the future the way it should be! Yes it's a bold vision of a future with no pedestrians at all. And no parking restrictions either.

See how the CHAP truck completely blocks the so-called "pedestrian footway" and forces the hapless foot-travellers onto the carriageway (for pedestrians are not economically active like what the builders are and, therefore, about these people we care not one jot). See how the truck does "The Double-Yellow Straddle" (for entrepreneurship is far and away more important than traffic regulations). Yes indeed.

Unfortunately, something which our photo cannot demonstrate is the sarcastic mockery which these builders were offering to the pestestrians who they'd forced to step out onto the road and who had the temerity to complain about the danger they've been put in on the afternoon of Friday 10th June 2011.

A quick look at CHAP Construction's website: "Raising the Standard" tells us more about these exemplary anti-pedestrian pro-economic-growth entrepreneurs and their devil-may-care certainty in their own rectitude. The website refers to CHAP's "core values": their "inspiring heritage" and their "can-do approach". That's why we feel we should offer the drivers of their truck reg. SD05FCM all the praise we can. With their exemplary display of PaveParking, PaveParkVertising, Double-Yellow Straddling and their mocking abuse of underclass pestestrians we feel that they are upholding CHAP Construction "core values". Indeed there can be no doubt that these employees of CHAP Construction are "Raising the Standard" on the roads of Aberdeen "City and Shire".

That's why we've contacted the management of CHAP Construction, suggesting that the guys who were in charge of this vehicle on Friday afternoon be singled out for special mention.

Essential Services - Eriks Industrial Distribution van YK59UJL

Eriks Industrial Distribution van YK59UJL demonstrates that PaveParkVertising is a subtle matter. Look carefully at the photo - the WVM in charge of Erik's vehicle has poised primly on the pavement at the bottom Aberdeen's Grey Street, at its junction with Holburn Street. Two wheels up on the kerb - just because!

"Know-how makes the difference"

Indeed, Erik's has the "know how" to PaveParkVertise. Impressive

We had a look at Erik's website:

Why not ask ERIKS to undertake a Needs Analysis Survey to identify your potential and prioritise your opportunities? Then ERIKS can help you achieve your objectives and realise your advantage.

We might just do that.

Essential Services - D R Joinery ND07BXU

After the sainted Thatcher sold most of them off to their grasping and credulous incumbent tenants just a few unsellable tower-block flats remained of our council housing stock, a liability on the local authorities of Aberdeen "City and Shire". Though we have nothing but contempt for those less fortunate than ourselves (it's their own fault, isn't it?) we concede that from time to time it is necessary that what little remains of our council housing stock must be maintained.

Yes, no-matter how much we wish our Council Tax revenues did not have to be spent in this way, maintained they must be, so we were pleased to see that the van of D R Joinery made best use of the undercroft courtyard space at Aberdeen's "Gilcomston Land" tower-block to park while carrying out this begrudged maintenance. This parking strategy blocked the main door and fire exit of the tower-block above - thus letting the freeloading tenants know just where they stood in the greater scheme of things.

Essential Services - Granite City Fish Co. Ltd Y59TGG

It's great to see some old traditions still flourishing - in this case, fresh fish delivered to your door, via the pavement of Deemount Road, at its corner with Deemount Gardens in Aberdeen's sought-after and popular Ferryhill area. And it's also great to see the old traditions blending with the new - PaveParkVertising, of course!


Of course, fishmongering(?) is a demanding discipline, requiring ultra-high standards of cleanliness and hygiene, so we're sure that the nasty corrosion and filth which is evident on the rear doors of the van are not replicated on the inside, where the food is kept.

Essential Services - "Sidey" YG05ROU & VO57CBU

New batrhooms are being installed in some council flats in the centre of the city. We suppose that's OK. The life of the world goes on in its neverending cycles. Winter turns to spring and for all things there is a season. All things must pass and the new replaces the old - nothing will last forever. Not even toilets.

While we're thinking of the inconstancy of all things, it's good to comfort ourselves with the thought that some things don't change in Aberdeen "City and Shire":


Yes, that's it! The contractors undertaking the works have made entrepreneurial use of the broken low fence to cross the double yellows, PavePark, VergePark and bollard-thwart thus vindicating the privatisation and outsourcing of building services by our council. We doubt whether pubic sector workers would have had the chutzpa to colonise the pedestrian space so unilaterally! Well, that statement is without foundation, but it suits our dogma, so we're happy to spout it.

We have written to the council offering praise for their policy, and by extension, their contractors. We have also inducted them into the Anti-Bollard League.

Essential Services - Initial.co.uk - Reg. HX09HBU

The human tides which inhabit the HMO's of Aberdeen's Broomhill Road are a constant source of trouble to their entrepreneurial landlords. Often, the problems are of a nature which we would prefer to draw a tasteful veil around!

Initial "Washroom Services"

Suffice it to say that we've seen "Inital Washroom Services" reg HX09HBU around a few times, clearly dealing with an urgent toilet emergency of some kind, as the driver of this Aberdeen Van has been present-minded enough to use the pedestrian build-out "demand-responsive" emergency parking area outside the HMO in question as he goes about his "business". It's also a nice piece of PaveParkVertising which directs us towards the Initial website at www.initial.co.uk - nice one!

"Inital Care is Everywhere!" (as they used to say)
and, they should add, "At Any Time"

The very model of "Corporate Social Responsibility":

Everyone at Initial, from onsite personnel to senior management in the boardroom, demonstrates a firm commitment to Corporate Social Responsibility by putting our good practice guidelines into action on a daily basis.

Essential Services - Richard Irvine Building Services.

Now that winter's nearly over, it's time to get all those bits and pieces of building maintenance done. So builders, roofers and the like are rushed off their feet, busy dotting around Aberdeen "City and Shire" in their little vans, creating some much needed economic growth.

And, into the bargain, the drivers of Richard Irvine's little red vans aren't averse to pushing home the essential anti-pestestrian message as they go about their business. PaveParkVertising on Broomhill Road puts the pestestrians in their place, while promoting your employer's business. A dual-use strategy! Brilliant!

We spotted this next Richard Irvine Building Services Van on Aberdeen's Cattofield Place, where it joins Back Hilton Road, just across from the Hilton Chipper.

We actually watched aghast as the driver parked on the corner, blocking the dropped kerb and restricting pestestrian access to the junction as he dashed across the road for a lunchtime "chip supper" (these builder types have to keep their strength up!). 

But yes we were horrified. Horrified because he has parked on double yellows and he forgot to flash his hazards "exempts".

This is all very disappointing because, according to Richard Irvine's website:

Seamlessly linked together, divisional synergy optimises our ability to offer a wide range of customised packages to meet clients precise demands. Uniquely delivered and controlled from a single source, our multi-disciplined resources combine to produce a dedicated client service that allows strategic objectives to be timeously achieved.

What with all that strategically optimised synergy and uniquely seamless resources, you'd have thought that the driver would have remembered to do deliver the job with proper dedication and switch on his "exempts". We have informed his employers of this lapse. Timeously. 

Essential Services - Dogsbuddyaberdeen.com

One of the services offered by Dogsbuddy Aberdeen, in addition to "dog walker" and "pet sitter" is "fun agility". We can tell this because they are "PaveParkVertising" their services on Aberdeen's Gordondale Road. Just as well, because they haven't gotten round to finishing off their website yet.



Certainly the pestestrian who must angle and squeeze past the Dogsbuddy van with the Cherished Plate reg. K9 PXL (see what they've done there?) is forced to demonstrate "agility". Whether or not the pestestrian thinks this is "fun" we cannot say. The minds of these people are a mystery to us - we cannot understand why they don't just get a car. Like everyone else in Aberdeen "City and Shire".

PaveParker of the Week! WVM reg. BK51WXU

This week's PaveParker of the Week is White Van Man (WVM) in charge of little Citron White Van reg BK51WXU



This WVM is doubtless engaged in Essential Service Work of National Importance (as are they all) and demonstrates two aspects of PaveParking which are important skills to master for the professional driver.

1. As Full as Possible PaveParking. The pavement isn't big enough for the van. But he's done his best, and this is worthy of note. Well done WVM!
2. Straddling the double yellows. Note that the double-yellows are so eroded on Aberdeen's granite-cobbled Bon Accord Lane as to be barely visible. This means that any parking fine will be unenforceable. Probably.

Top technique!

Essential Services - AJ60FGA

We were both delighted and a little bit miffed to see this sight on Aberdeen's Holburn Street.



We'll deal with the downside first. The van is marked "PAVEMENT PARKER". This is not right, and risks what copyright lawyers call 'passing off'. The correct term is "PaveParker". You might recall from our prefatory post on the subject "An Introduction to PaveParking in Aberdeen". Remember? In that post we established that the correct format is:
PaveParking^tm
(Note the corporate-style italicisation, capitalisation and trademark superscript)
From which would follow:
PaveParker^tm

Any White Van Men (WVM) who in future would wish to display their traffic-flow-friendly credentials by similarly emblazoning their van with PaveParker livery should get in touch using the e-mail link up to the right. We can supply official decals for a large value-added fee.

But, on to the upside. This WVM - a satellite dish installation engineer - is fully committed to economic growth in his use of the pavement as a station for his vehicle as he provides Essential Services to the residents of Holburn Street. By crossing the double-yellows and getting out of the way of other busy important drivers of Aberdeen Cars and WVM who're busily and importantly going about their lawful business on Her Majesty's highway, this clever PaveParking WVM helps keep the traffic flowing - and as we all know, efficient and swift traffic flow - more cars on more roads - is the only way we can ensure a prosperous future for Aberdeen "City and Shire" once the oil runs out. Also, by keeping the traffic flowing, it cuts down on pollution, keeping even the meanie-greenie naysayers nice and happy.

And, not forgetting, this WVM is providing an Essential Service in fixing up satellite TV reception for hard-working Aberdonians, who, after a hard day slaving over their oil company spreadsheets, fully deserve to slump in front of the plasma, can of continental lager in one hand, readymeal in the other, placid and conditioned, blasted vapid and vacant by long working hours and ready to be implanted with whatever messages the advertising funded media so thoughtfully provide for us in so entertaining a way:

"Go Compare, Go Compare"
"Any Any Any Any"
"Simples!"

When we learn these phrases by rote, ready to unquestioningly regurgitate them as a substitute for interpersonal discourse, then we can rest comfortable and assured that our conformity will be complete, we'll no longer be troubled by the nagging thought: "is that all there is to life?" The voice that says that something is missing in our life, that there must be more.

By PaveParking on his way to perform his Essential Satellite TV Installation Service, the WVM is helping the people of Aberdeen realise that we shouldn't expect too much from life and, yes, that really is all there is. He is helping to ease our troubled minds with soothing, reassuring, friendly TV which tells us that all we need is "things"; a new car, this year's model; all we need is a new PC, ipod, holiday, and then our life will be complete.

Thank God for WVM.

PaveParker of the Week! SV06XNL

Congratulations to the driver of Aberdeen Car reg. SV06XNL. You are PaveParker of the Week!


Yes indeed, the driver of Aberdeen Car Volkwagen Golf Plus (oooh!) 1.9 SE TDI PD gets this weeks plaudits.

What really drew our eye was the innovative use of the traffic-calming (and driver-enraging) sleeping-policeman thingie. These are land-mines used against us by the dark anti-car forces in their ongoing war-on-the-motorist.

But, the cunning driver of this Aberdeen Car turns this blatantly anti-motorist measure to his or her advantage, using it as a ramp to gain level access to the pavement at the new-ish Woodlands at Pitfodels exclusive, aspirational, upscale housing development. Marvellous! Trust the innovative drivers of Aberdeen Cars to turn defeat into a resounding victory!

(We note that a WVM has used a similar method in order to execute essential services further up the road, so this method is spreading. It must be a bit like morphic resonance.)

We notice that the non-standard sign attached to the lamp-post says "Slow, Children at Play" and this worries us. Firstly, we're worried that it implies that around this part of town the parents let their children run around willy nilly unsupervised in the outside world. Disgusting. These children might brush against the nice car, scratch or dent it, and thus render it less nice. Thank goodness that the altruistic driver of SV06XNL is doing his or her best to discourage children from playing outside by demonstrating that there is simply no safe place for them in the outside world. Not on the road and certainly not on the pavement either. As everyone should now know, these spaces in the urban environment are for cars only. Children belong inside, in their rooms, with their video games.

When they grow up, then they can look forward to getting out and about in a nice car, like the good Ford intended.

Essential Services - BT Openreach FG54CHV

We're delighted that Aberdeen Lochnagar Exchange is doing so well in BT's "Race to Infinity"! At the time of writing, with 17 days left to go, 1.71% (193 votes) of the total votes have been cast for the main exchange in Aberdeen to be upgraded to superfast fibre-optic broadband. Only 11,093 more votes needed and the "Oil Capital of Europe" might get the chance to enjoy connection speeds almost as good as most places in continental Europe!



We reckon that once the fibre-optic broadband is installed, you won't even need to go out of the house, ever, for any reason; not to go to work, not to go to the shops, not to go to pubs or nightclubs or concerts or anything like that ever again. We'll live in a utopian sci-fi world of complete fibre-optic participation and delivery. It'll be like that that bit in Logan's Run when Jenny Agutter pops out of the wall on "circuit". I bet it'll be just like that. We'll still want to use our cars, of course, for leisure purposes; we'll want to go out gunning the engine and aggressively burning rubber and running red lights when teasing Agguter turns us down like she did to Logan in the film.

In the meantime, preparation work for this utopian future continues apace and, as these engineers show during some "Essential Service" work in Aberdeen's ever-popular Ferryhill area, it's easy to get used to the idea of never walking around ever again.

Yes, these BT OpenReach engineers who arrived in their Ford Transit FG54CHV, PaveParkVertising the BT OpenReach fibre future, certainly didn't expect anyone on Ferryhill's Fonthill Terrace to be using the pavements! Why would they?

Essential Services - Fags and Booze.

We've all been outraged by the disgraceful state of some of the roads in Aberdeen in the current snowy weather, so it's great to know that Knights of the Road M&H Carriers are making sure to get essential winter supplies through to the shops. In this case, cigarettes and beer are being delivered to the Co-op on Holburn Street.

The driver of MAN delivery van 371PKO here shows exemplary dedication to his "appointed round" by making sure that the fags and booze get through.

No matter the weather, priorities are priorities! So important is this delivery that the driver has placed his van as close as is possible to the door of the supermarket. This serves two important health and safety functions.

• Firstly health - it's cold isn't it? So by minimising his exposure to the Siberian blast, our driver is protecting his health and making sure that he'll not need to take any sick-days off due to the sniffles. By this selfless action, he is making sure that the Co-op will NEVER run out of fags. Or booze.
• Secondly safety - the driver is right to minimise the distance he must ferry the fags and booze to the door of the shop because the ground is slippy underfoot. This is because Aberdeen City Council know what side their bread's buttered on and haven't bothered wasting any money in gritting or clearing the pavements. The pavements, of course, being used only by poor people who lack the "clout" of the VIP motoring lobby. Oh yes, our council knows that the outrage and opprobrium that the local papers and hard-pressed motoring public would rain down on them if they used even one grain of grit on the pavement while one single flake of snow remains on the carriageway would be so severe that no councillor could ever hope to be re-elected ever again. So, very wisely, the council have prioritised traffic flow rather than pandering to the self-serving calls of a minority of vocal self-appointed pedestrian's champions. As can be seen in the photo - the road is nice and clear of snow, while the pavement remains treacherous. This is as it should be. The council has got it's priorities right.

It's been pointed out that in order to achieve this most efficient delivery-position, the driver has had to place his van on the so-called "zig-zags" associated with the pelican crossing. However, in this case, the council has cleverly considered the needs of the delivery drivers who provide the essential deliveries of fags and booze (oh, and crisps) to the Co-op, and have cleverly left the so-called "zig-zags" obscured from view by snow, ice and slush. Because the delivery driver cannot see the so-called "zig-zags" (even though he might know well that they are there) he can, with a clear conscence, ignore them and proceed with the execution of his essential delivery service. In any case, the driver is flashing his hazard-lights (exemption lights) which demonstrate his knowledge of this exemption.

You see, what isn't widely known by pedestrians (how could they?) is that the so-called "zig-zags" operate as a kind of need-responsive parking space; responsive to the needs of the hard-pressed motorist-in-a-hurry who lacks the time to look for a formal parking space. In this case, this flexibility of purpose is put to good use by the van driver, who is using the so-called "zig-zags" secondary function as an emergency high-priority-unloading bay for essential winter supplies.

Some whining pedestrians might moan that this parking on the so-called "zig-zags" is dangerous. But we say "No!" What the ever-demanding pedestrian pests maybe can't see is that the delivery driver has made a significant enhancement to road safety by minimising the risk that oncoming motorists might become distracted by the suddenly-changing-and-flishy-flashing lights of the pedestrian crossing - the bulk of the van actually hides the lights from the view of oncoming motorists.

Everyone knows that the increase in road-clutter distracts the driver's attention from important and safety-critical in-cockpit actions, such as re-setting the satnav or lighting a cigarette, changing to the next Bryan Adams track on the CD or texting his or her stockbroker. So, by hiding the lights from view with the bulk of his van, the delivery driver is leaving the busy Holburn Street motorist free to concentrate on more important stuff and the prospect of getting his or her foot down on the high-speed drag that is Great Southern Road ahead.

Moreover, when an important motorist-in-a-hurry parks on the so-called "zig-zags" to pop into the Co-op for some much-needed cigarettes, or when an essential-services courier uses them as a high-priority-unloading bay, we say that this actually enhances safety for the pedestrians, as it screens them from the oncoming traffic, thus sheltering them from the extreme danger usually associated with pedestrianism and as everyone can see actually making the crossing all the safer! 

But do the pedestrians appreciate this? Do they heck! They should be grateful, especially if they've just been into the Co-op for some fags and booze, as delivered by the Essential Services delivery driver of M&H Carriers MAN delivery van 371PKO.

The courier's code:

We are mothers and fathers. And sons and daughters. Who every day go about our lives with duty, honor and pride. And neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night, nor the winds of change, nor a nation challenged, will stay us from the swift completion of our appointed rounds. Ever.

We think that the driver of M&H Carriers MAN delivery van 371PKO has fulfilled his obligations to the couriers code, and then some! So we've written to his employers to tell them so.

Philanthropic Parker - WVM G3 TLC

We mentioned in other posts that the compassionate motorists of Aberdeen often do their best to make things safer for cyclists and pedestrians whenever they can. But do they get any recognition for this? Do they heck! That's what we're for at Aberdeen Cars. That's what we're all about.

So we were delighted to notice another example of a motorist trying to show cyclists the error of their ways on Aberdeen's prestigious, upscale Queen's Road. The Transit Van is, of course, the 'Backbone of Britain' and we all know that their drivers - the WVM (White Van Men) are generally the busiest, most productive and important members of the business community what with all that delivering very important stuff and picking up very important stuff all day long. They are performing Essential Services. Nothing should ever get in their way. Nothing. Ever. 

So, it was heartwarming to notice this WVM, the driver of white (or is it dove grey? difficult to say) Ford Transit G3 TLC taking time out from performing his essential and indispensably important round to teach the misguided cyclists an important lesson. The lesson is this: Cycling is dangerous.

The unsuspecting hippy cyclist, his head full of unrealistic expectations of peace and love and loveliness and carbon-neutral vegetarianism has no idea how much danger he's putting himself in on his way to sign on or attend sociology lectures or whatever, pampered and cosseted as he is in his useless cycle lane. So it's up to the important economically active motorists, with the WVM in their vanguard (geddit?)  to show the way - to show how to be a proper road-user. 

The WVM ably demonstrates this by parking in the Queen's Road cycle lane (or "parking lane" as it should be called) just around the corner on the fast downhill section travelling from west to east around the Hill of Rubislaw - that'll surprise the cyclists as they whizz down and round the corner! That'll shake them out of their smug self regard! Note how the WVM has left his Transit in reverse (see the lights) sending the unmistakeable message salvo - Get out of my way! Even if you're behind me! I can't see you, but I'm coming anyway!

The cyclists are educated by the dilemma that WVM puts them in: they must either enter the tax-payer lane - thus getting in the way of the more-important-than-them VIP motor traffic - or use the pavement. Which isn't allowed.

So much easier just to get a car! And so fit in with the rest of society.

Essential Services

The driver of Evening Express delivery van SW008 HYR demonstrates advanced parking and delivery technique. The Holburn Street Co-op is a popular spot for motorists to pop in for a Ginsters or something on their way to somewhere important; the Pelican Crossing (for those too poor to own cars) and its so-called 'zig-zags' providing an excellent parking platform - very convenient for a close proximity high-speed pit-stop. Just like Sebastian Vettel! Failed wannabe racing driver Tiff Nedell would be proud.

But it's not all Ginsters snack bars! To while away the time in Aberdeen's notorious gridlock keen motorists may want to read about the forthcoming AWPR and all the measures being deployed around Aberdeen to try to stamp out cycling. What better place to "read all about it" than in our comfortingly pro-motorcar local press? The Evening Express delivery man is therefore performing an Essential Service, which comes with privileges concomitant with his advanced driver status.

The photos show us several aspects of this driver's advanced technique:

He demonstrates the fact that he is performing an Essential Service by blinking the hazard lights ("exempt-lights", as we call them), which of course perform the same function as the flashing blue or red lights used by the Emergency Services. In each case they demonstrate that the vehicle is doing Something Very Important.

Eschewing even the zig-zags (where he has every right to park, probably?), he parks directly on the pedestrian section of the crossing, as delineated by the carriageway-embedded metal studs. This enables the hard-pressed but very important delivery driver to cleverly make full use of the dropped kerb and anti-slip paving slaps, while simultaneously preventing any people of lesser importance from making use of the crossing on foot. While this might seem at first to be a little selfish, we understand, of course, that the delivery driver is actually using this choice of position as a safety feature - by putting off others from using the crossing, he reduces the risk that any foot-user might become injured by bumping into him as he goes about his Essential Service.

To further reduce the risk of interference as he goes about performing his Essential Service, in an elemental audio-visual display of alpha-male dominance, the delivery driver proudly and prominently exhibits his many manly tattoos while intimidating foul and personal abuse issues from his mouth in the direction of the camera operator. The black gloves also add a sinister touch. Don't mess!

Oh, if only he knew that we were going to praise him and his innovative and highly advanced delivery driving technique!

We believe that the Delivery Driver of Evening Express van SW08 HYR deserves an award for the heroic way he goes about performing his Essential Service. So we've written to his employers to tell them so.