Cycle Lane Use on Queens Road

As we're sure you already know, one of the very worst things about cyclists is the fact that they get in the way of your view when you're trying to get out of a T-junction.

That's why we're very pleased that the cycle lanes advance stop boxes for motorists have been provided on Aberdeen's Queens Road. They call them cycle lanes; we think that's to denote their function as lanes that you can enter when you want to see past the oncoming cyclists.



Perfect!

Queens Road Full PaveParking Bonanza! R15TNM, SV56NEF & A15JJG

Following our PaveParking special feature last month when we featured the range of strageties and tactics employed by the parkers of Aberdeen Cars on the city's prestigious, upscale west-end avenue - Queen's Road - "Royal Boulevard of the North", we're delighted to report that our PaveParking challenge meme has been spreading like wildfire along this most salubrious of streets, where we're now delighted to report that Full PaveParking is the order of the day!

In the following photo-essay, we see three drivers of Aberdeen Cars (and Vans!) employ Full PaveParking, thus ensuring that only the right kind of people use this thoroughfare. Pedestrians only make the place look, em, poor. We say they should be stamped out and congratulate the Full PaveParkers of Queen's Road for striking the first blow in wiping out what we will now call the "odd footpeople".

R15TNM

SV56NEF

A15JJG

PaveParkers of the Week Special!

It's all going on on Queen's Road - Aberdeen's Royal Gateway to the West!

Yes indeed, this week, there are so many PaveParkers to choose from, that we've decided for the first time to issue a special award to a location. That location is the pavement on the north side of the carriageway of Queen's Road, between the junction with Sprinfield Road and the roundabout with Kings Gate. Congratulations to this section of Aberdeen Pavement!

Queen's Road is a very nice area, and so it's of paramount importance that only the right kind of people use this thoroughfare. That's why it's so infuriating that a cycle lane was forced upon the residents and businesses of this upmarket street (we think it was the interfering EU court of so-called "Human Rights" which made the council put it in.) Cyclists on their way to sign on, cyclists on their way to the student protest, cyclists on their way to the needle exchange.

We're sure that all sends a shiver down your spine. But take heart! The drivers of Aberdeen Cars and Vans are on the case to put this right, thank god. Here we see a variety of PaveParkers employing a range of tactics. Let's take them one by one:

Yes, the driver of PaveParkVertising Aberdeen Van SX05DVN has employed our favourite tactic of rendering the bike lane unuseable. This allows us to self righteously and indignantly harumph about cyclists:

"I wish the feckers would cycle on the cycle paths that have been provided for them at a cost of millions!"

And...

"... then these freeloading cyclists don’t use them [cycle lanes], much preferring the ‘sharing’ of pavements with pedestrians!"

And so the trap is sprung on Aberdeen's Queen's Road, for further east, any pavement cyclists, who we have forced to eschew the cycle path which has been provided for them at a cost of millions are confronted with this:

Yes! Aberdeen's own unique weapon which prevents Queens Road look like the DSS-land or studentville that the poor cyclists make it seem - yes Full PaveParking has been employed to stop the cyclists using the pavements. It's genius!

Our congratulations go to the WVM driver of Aberdeen Vans SX05DVN and T536ASO. Congratulations to the driver of Aberdeen Car Chrysler 3.0 V6 CRD "Touring" (oooh!) with cherished plate reg BHS1B and its 3-litre engine. Yes, congratulations to them all three for showing what's really important in Aberdeen: The eradication of pedestrians and cyclists from our pavements and cycle lanes. We will not rest until this has been achieved.

The Fightback Begins. On Aberdeen's Queen's Road.

Regular readers will remember that last month we reported with fury and disbelief the upswing in recorded users of pedal cycles in Aberdeen "City and Shire". The truth these people avoid recognising is that most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people like cyclists expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating cycle lanes and the like for freeloading cyclists, who then don’t use them, much preferring the ‘sharing’ of pavements with pedestrians.

That's why today, we're very pleased to report that our call to arms has been heeded and that just earlier this morning, our very own rat-like double agent "Codename JannieJumbo" operating, as he does, from behind his deep cover legend as a so-called cycling "activist" left us this video in the dead-letterbox just behind the north east sponsors board on the Haudagain Roundabout.

In the video on this stretch between the Kings Gate roundabout and the Springfield Road junction, we see a variety of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars doing their very best to thwart "Codename JannieJumbo" as he tries to make progress towards the centre of the city on the main western approach from Westhill/Skene. At least two of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars attempt to force him off the road. Many of the drivers encroach upon the newly repainted Queen's Road cycle lane - demonstrating that we simply don't want our road taxes to be spent on so-called cycling infrastructure - so we'll just ignore it and demonstrate that cyclists just aren't wanted here. Also, so that a stop is put to cyclists 'sharing' the pavement, three white vans occupy the it (demonstrating that we don't much care for freeloading pedestrians either) . Pedestrians, cyclists... they're all the same - freeloaders and spongers the lot of them. They are not welcome in Aberdeen. We don't want their kind here. Why don't they just go away?



How nice it is in Aberdeen's west end - salubrious and welcoming to visitors, businesses, holidaymakers and residents all alike, as long as they're in a car or van. We're delighted to offer specific targeted praise to the following drivers of Aberdeen Cars who have helped to make it so:

1) For frightening the cyclist out of his wits with the really close pass - then encroaching the cycle lane - what skill!
Vauxhaul Astra Estate 1.4 Luxury S (oooh!) reg. P277SNM

2) For encroaching on the cycle lane:
Toyota Aygo VVTi reg. NJ60LSC

3) For occupying the cycle lane:
Hyundai Estate 2.2 CRDi "Santa Fe" (oooh!) Auto Premium (oooooh!) reg. G1GOK
The driver of this Aberdeen Car gets a special mention for demonstrating his 'Premium' status. Traffic lights mean very little to this busy individualist. why should he allow petty officialdom stupid rules like red lights stand in his way? He's busy! He's Important! He's 'Premium'! And so he's definately more capable of making up his own mind when it's safe to go or not than some automatic petty traffic control robot (the traffic lights). In any case, traffic lights should be advisory only, like speed limits, or parking restrictions already are in Aberdeen. It's great to see this busy hard-pressed motorist pushing this anti-nanny state agenda in Aberdeen. And all the while discouraging cycling! Brilliant!

Unfortunately we can't make out the plates of the PaveParking White Van Men, but they know who they are, and they get our thumbs up. Particularly the driver of Aberdeen Van "Well Plastered" (hahahah, do you see what they did there?) who deserves praise for PaveParkVertising. Fantastic!

"Codename JannieJumbo" shows us the urban motorway we could have had.

Nestled away at the far end of the west end of Aberdeen is a secret. A green corridor cuts through the heart of Craigiebuckler in a dead straight line from the no 16a bus terminus at Airyhall all the way to Rubislaw Park Road and then Queens Road at Hill of Rubislaw.

If you drew a straight line going west from Queens Road and kept it going straight where today it curves round to the northwest at Angusfield Lane, it would discribe this green corridor. We saw this map online somewhere:

Check it out - the underdeveloped 'green corridor' had been planned as long ago as 1949 to be the route for a thrilling high-speed radial expressway cutting Cragiebuckler in two to link Countesswells Road at Hillhead with Queens Road at Hill of Rubislaw. A huge cloverleaf interchange occupies what is today Robert Gordons College playing fields at Slopefield. And we're pretty sure that the junction with Queens Road would have been an exciting gyratory or something. Maybe even a flyover!

Some people say that these plans are "car-sick" and that they show the pathology inherent in the "centre of the car-crazy 20th century", but we think that these people aren't true Aberdonians. Now that plans are afoot to go ahead with that other long-planned radial expressway for Aberdeen - The Berryden Corridor Improvement Project - maybe the 'powers that be' will get on and build this one next. We think it'll make a lovely addition to the bypass - which is also shown (albeit closer in to Aberdeen) on the 1949 plan. The bypass is going to be a 'special category road'. That's a motorway in all but name. We can't tell you how excited we are about that.

Anyway, an orbital motorway needs high speed radial expressways to usher important consumers to city centre underground shopping destinations, so we see no reason why the "Cragibuckler Green Corridor Expressway Improvements" shouldn't be next on the agenda. You heard it here first!

Our pathetic undercover double agent "Codename Janniejumbo" shows us the route all the way from Slopefield to Bayview Road.



Towards the end of the video, Codename Janniejumbo does his usual great job of pointing out parking opportunities in the cycle-lanes of the west end. But we don't know what he's on about at the very end of the video, though. Something about "close passes"? Hilton.co.uk van RJ10AZA Audi A4 'sport' SV02ZSO Fiesta SW08NPC?

Queen's Road Parking Lane - A "Record Breaker"!

They say you need "dedication" if you "wanna be a Record Breaker".

Recently, one of the contributers to mothership and inspiration "Bristol Traffic" contacted us and threw down the gauntlet by drawing our attention to one of their posts: "Stokes Croft World Record Attempt". Their post shows 6 (six) cars making good used of a cycle parking lane in Bristol. We were impressed.

But not wanting to appear weak at the time, we scoffed, and said that the innovatively important drivers of Aberdeen Cars would show the necessary dedication to surmount the marker laid down by their colleagues in Bristol. After all, the oil-drilling drivers of Aberdeen Cars are engaged in Work Of National Importance. We asserted that the pioneering paveparkers of Aberdeen Cars would pull off what we call "The Triple" - Cycle Lane, Double Yellows AND paveparking. We boasted that these Bristolian amateurs have got a lot to learn from their hard-as-nails northern cousins in the Oil Capital of Europe, who know a thing or two about economic growth.

And so we were absolutely delighted to be proven right. Here on Aberdeen's upscale, aspirational Queen's Road as it rounds the Hill of Rubislaw, 10 (ten), yes 10 (ten) drivers of Aberdeen Cars have shown their dedication to the one true transport mode by making best possible use of the cycle parking lane.



Not only that, the driver of lead vehicle, an "Essential Services" white van reg SE03ZJX from property bubble boom speculation investment company "Platinum Villa" has done as we always said the drivers of Aberdeen Cars could: Yes, he has "pulled off The Triple". Cycle lane, double yellows and pavement.

Actually, he also earns extra credit for PaveParkVertising and parking close to a fire hydrant. O the dedication!



We feel an almost paternal sense of pride.

SV10VXX Estabilshes the Hierarchy

We always laugh when we hear talk of transport mode travel "hierarchies", like this one which is from Government Agency Transport Scotland's Travel Plan 2010 - 2013.

Our Travel Plan is underpinned by the ethos that the greenest mile is the mile not travelled and we will follow the travel hierarchy set out below:

• no travel – business travel should only be undertaken when it is absolutely essential. Communication technologies such as audio or video conferencing can often deliver the same outcome and save the time which would otherwise have been spent travelling

• walking – a healthy form of transport, viable for journeys, or parts of journeys, up to 2km

• cycling – a healthy and reliable form of travel for journeys of up to 5km

• bus, rail, and other modes of public transport – for essential medium to long journeys, rail travel is the best option, while buses are good for local journeys. Taxis can be used for intra-city business journeys if travel by bus, walking or cycling is not viable

• car travel – a car is necessary for some journeys and a hire car will be the first choice. We promote the use of hire cars over employees’ own vehicles as there are likely cost and carbon savings, and reduced health and safety risks. TS hire cars can be delivered to employees’ homes, offices or rail stations. This means that staff can combine a rail trip with a hire car travel to reach their destination and therefore maximise productive travel time and reduce emissions

• private car – only when a hire car is not viable. As with hire cars, staff should share with other colleagues whenever possible

Hahahaha, yeah right!

Our undercover agent who operates from a position embedded deep within the Aberdeen cycling "activist community" captured this video.  It shows driver of Aberdeen Car Vauxhall Corsa Hatch "Special" (oooh!) EDS 1.3 CDTi reg. SV10VXX establishing and reinforcing the correct hierarchy; the "facts on the ground":

Cars before bikes! Under any and all circumstances!

Travel plans from government agencies should be updated accordingly in order to correspond with reality.

Queen's Road Parking Lane

No doubt enraged by the reports in the local press that the dark anti-progress forces have gained ground in promoting cycling and walking in Aberdeen "City and Shire" (as we reported last week), once again we're delighted to see the self-empowered drivers of Aberdeen Cars take matters into their own hands in order to reverse this insidious trend. We expect little else - these people are our everyday heroes.

See the dashboard flowers? Lovely!

Here we see that the drivers of five Aberdeen Cars, led by VW Beetle Hatchback 1.6 Luna (ooooh!) reg SL10WUE, doing their best to stamp out cycling by making full use of the Queens Road Cycle Parking lane, westbound at the Hill of Rubislaw.

This sends a very clear message to those who think it's a good idea to cycle:

"It isn't - in fact, it's a very bad idea - we don't like it, and we don't like you. We're going to do our best to stop you."

And quite right too. We all know that - what with being the Oil Capital of Europe and all - the local economy depends upon demand for petrol. That petrol, is, of course, made from good ol' North Sea Oil - our stock in trade. The more consumed, the higher the oil price, the better it is for Aberdeen "City and Shire"! Supply And Demand, d'you see?

So, those who think that commuting to and from the western suburbs on this piece of cycle infrastructure makes them big, clever, "green" and better than everyone else obviously have an anti-local-economy axe to grind. And the sooner we re-educate these people and correct their aberrant thinking the better. Then we (and they) can all get back in our nice Aberdeen Cars and jolly well get on with creating economic growth.

This is what is meant by "The Big Society". Isn't it lovely?

Queen's Road Parking Lane

Along with the driver of Aberdeen Car Ford Fiesta Diesel Hatchback 1.6 TDCi Tianium (oooh!) reg. SV60OKA we just love the Queen's Road Parking Lane.

But why oh why oh why is it so thin? And what's that funny oblong blue sign in front? Strange.

Heh, we're being disingenuous, of course! We know full well that this is supposed to be a cycle lane and that the glyph in the blue sign is a representation of a bike, showing that this is a so-called "preferred route" for Aberdeen cyclists.

We're just pretending we didn't notice. You never see anyone cycling in the cycle lanes anyway, and if you did, they'd have to continually slalom about the place to get in and out of the lane and go around all the perfectly legally-parked cars which have every right to be there! They'd then either have to cycle on the pavement (which isn't allowed) or cycle on the 'taxpayer lane' which is for cars only. In which instance we'd be perfectly justified in angrily honking our horns and shouting: "Get back in the cycle-lane you filthy unemployed hippy! Can't you afford a nice car like me? I pay Road Tax!"

Philanthropic Parker - WVM G3 TLC

We mentioned in other posts that the compassionate motorists of Aberdeen often do their best to make things safer for cyclists and pedestrians whenever they can. But do they get any recognition for this? Do they heck! That's what we're for at Aberdeen Cars. That's what we're all about.

So we were delighted to notice another example of a motorist trying to show cyclists the error of their ways on Aberdeen's prestigious, upscale Queen's Road. The Transit Van is, of course, the 'Backbone of Britain' and we all know that their drivers - the WVM (White Van Men) are generally the busiest, most productive and important members of the business community what with all that delivering very important stuff and picking up very important stuff all day long. They are performing Essential Services. Nothing should ever get in their way. Nothing. Ever. 

So, it was heartwarming to notice this WVM, the driver of white (or is it dove grey? difficult to say) Ford Transit G3 TLC taking time out from performing his essential and indispensably important round to teach the misguided cyclists an important lesson. The lesson is this: Cycling is dangerous.

The unsuspecting hippy cyclist, his head full of unrealistic expectations of peace and love and loveliness and carbon-neutral vegetarianism has no idea how much danger he's putting himself in on his way to sign on or attend sociology lectures or whatever, pampered and cosseted as he is in his useless cycle lane. So it's up to the important economically active motorists, with the WVM in their vanguard (geddit?)  to show the way - to show how to be a proper road-user. 

The WVM ably demonstrates this by parking in the Queen's Road cycle lane (or "parking lane" as it should be called) just around the corner on the fast downhill section travelling from west to east around the Hill of Rubislaw - that'll surprise the cyclists as they whizz down and round the corner! That'll shake them out of their smug self regard! Note how the WVM has left his Transit in reverse (see the lights) sending the unmistakeable message salvo - Get out of my way! Even if you're behind me! I can't see you, but I'm coming anyway!

The cyclists are educated by the dilemma that WVM puts them in: they must either enter the tax-payer lane - thus getting in the way of the more-important-than-them VIP motor traffic - or use the pavement. Which isn't allowed.

So much easier just to get a car! And so fit in with the rest of society.

Westhill Cycleway

Much money has been wasted recently on upgrading a perfectly adequate cycle lane which runs parallel to the Westhill dual carriageway, much to the chagrin of the heavily tax-farmed motorists who continue to suffer from the pot-holed 3rd-World-standard roads of Aberdeen 'City and Shire'. Why should the VIP motorists who are the ONLY source of economic growth in the area continue to pamper the unemployed hippy lycra-clad vegetarian tax-avoiding fringes of society with subsidies while being forced to endure substandard infrastructure themselves?

It was great to see our pro-motorist local press intervene to orchestrate a campaign aimed at putting a stop to this waste of road-tax payers' money.

Anyway, despite what the moaning-minnie cyclist anti-car warriors say, the Westhill Cyclepath is fine. They should be grateful.



See - plenty room for the cyclist and the jogger - nobody got hurt, did they?

But, these are safety-conscious days, and it's good to see that - further into town - some considerate motorists have taken the plight of the cyclist to heart. To discourage the poor dears from venturing so far out of town onto the dangerous Westhill cycle path, philanthropic, compassionate and civic minded motorists taken the initiative to block the cycle lane (or parking lane as we like to call it) as it rounds the Hill of Rubislaw. This is what David Cameron means when he speaks of his "Big Society".



The cyclists confronted by this blockage must either then enter the tax-payer lane - thus getting in the way of the more-important-than-them VIP motor traffic - or use the pavement. Which isn't allowed.

But, there is of course, a way out: a way to give up on their fruitless quest to be 'different', to stop trying to 'stand out from the crowd'. Nobody likes a show-off, so we'd all prefer that the cyclists were helped to conform with the vast majority of transport users in Aberdeen 'City and Shire'.

So here the misguided cyclist is offered a perfect solution. Enterprisingly (and what else would you expect from a clever motorist?) the owner of Mercedes Benz Vito 111CDi Traveliner YN10 GBU is offering the vehicle for sale.



They have even helpfully applied their phone number to the rear windscreen for the disappointed cyclist to note down and make use of. It's 07827 300777.

As their cycle lane is used for much-needed free parking and advertising space - the cyclists are offered a new world of conformity, comfort and safety in a silver-grey German car. It's for their own good.