Morrisons Supermarket - Consolidating Social Mobility

When our Big Society Prime Minister Mr David Cameron announced that, in future, council house tenancies were to have fixed terms in order to "increase social mobility" we knew what he meant. Encouraging those layabout social housing denizens to pull themselves out of the underclass, get decent jobs and proper mortgages and everything is something that everyone knows is a necessary measure to promote economic growth in these austerity times. And pulling the safety net of social housing away from these people after just a few years is just the kind of common sense, tough love policies which is sure to work a treat. Council houses will now be regarded as emergency housing, like a homeless shelter or asylum-seekers' hospital or the kind of half-way-house you get for battered wives, junkies, ex-cons and the like. Only by looking down on, looking harshly upon and severely punishing our social inferiors will we encourage them to buck up their ideas and so, "increase social mobility". We approve, and want to see this sort of "encouragement" rolled out across a wide range of policy spheres.

For example, this kind of social-mobility "encouragement" is definitely also applicable in the transport sphere. And - what's more - the motorists, businesses and local government of Aberdeen "City and Shire" show the way! You see - everyone knows that using the bus, walking or cycling is a sure sign of grinding poverty, and it's not the sort of thing we want to see on the prestigious streets of Aberdeen "City and Shire". So it's long been our policy, along with others, to encourage social mobility by discouraging walking, cycling or using the bus. We are delighted today to notice that an unnamed citizen contributor clicked the citizen contribution hot-link (over there on the right) and e-mailed aberdeencars@gmail.com with the message:

Oi Skidmark
Hve U ever sat in yr car on the Langstracht stuk in da trfc watchn the bus fly past - annoyn init

Well seems there nw a soltn to the prob see below, top mrks to the conclfor thinkn of it, Get rd bus ln!!!!!!!!!
Wl dn concl, well dn Morrisons
Kewl!

"All bus lanes near the store will be removed
to encourage traffic flow"

Straight out of the Aberdeen Cars playbook! Firstly denounce bus lanes - next, ignore them (the stage we've largely achieved today) - finally, scrap them altogether, as Morrisons and the council have planned.
This sends out all the right messages: we don't like buses; we don't want buses; and what's more - we don't need buses, because we've all been "encouraged" into our lovely cars which, now that we can look forward to the scrapping of the bus-lanes, will definitely flow about the place not only efficiently but also vibrantly, reducing pollution, saving fuel and boosting the economy. Once the economy is sufficiently boosted, everyone will be have enough money to afford a really nice car, and no-one will be able to plead poverty as excuse for making the place look all down-at-heel by walking, cycling or take the bus ever again!

Yes indeed: Well Done Council, Well Done Morrisons!

Aberdeen Council Cancel Mary Portas Free Parking Plan

We got all excited about the forthcoming suspension of parking charges in Aberdeen "City and Shire". You'll all remember, just before Xmas, that Mary Portas off the telly saying that the only way to save 'the High Street' is for councils to offer free parking in town centres. The BBC covered it:

Free parking
Having affordable town centre parking is another key recommendation.
In a recent survey, the Federation of Small Businesses (FSB) found that 50% of their members said the lack of affordable town centre parking had a detrimental effect on their business.
John Walker, chairman of the FSB, said: "Putting in place free controlled parking schemes and introducing a parking league table could go some way in [addressing] this."

And yes, we agree with this, it must be put on any sensible planning horizon. The common sense policy of free parking in city centres is long overdue and much needed and would definitely go a long way to easing traffic woes. We already pay enough for the privilege of driving our nice cars into town. We are already taxed to the eyeballs with road taxes and council parking charges are just another tax on motoring from our anti-car, anti-business, anti-growth council. That Mary Portas off the telly is right to announce that parking should be free for important wealth creators like us, bringing in our extensive buying power at high speed from our hinterland dormitories to the US-style covered-mall shopping pleasuredomes of Aberdeen. Being off the telly, she is sure to be perfectly correct in all her opinions and recommendations. We should take note.

But did our council listen to this important and correct TV personality in her call for free parking for the important wealth creating drivers of Aberdeen Cars? Did they listen? Oh no, they think they know better... As everyone knows, in recent years our council has done everything they can to discourage people coming into the city by car, cloaking their anti-car, anti-growth, anti-Aberdeen measures in a green mantle of environmentalism.

And so it continues... we noticed this in council-subsidised local freesheet: The Aberdeen Citizen (BEST [sic] free newspaper in Scotland) :

But Aberdeen City Council's planning and infrastructure convenor Kate Dean said the [parking] controls were there for a reason. "If you do not want to get fined, then park in the correct place," she said. "We would also hope that people use public transport which would reduce congestion as well." She said she did not support the scrapping of parking charges...

Typical. Just typical. But we can take a crumb of comfort... nowhere in her anti-car rant does Kate Dean mention that anything should be done to support or promote active transport modes like walking or cycling. Thank goodness, for these treehugger activities have no place in the city of the future (which is unlikely to have any trees for them to hug anyway). Aberdeen's latest multi-million pound indoor shopping mall - ultramodern Union Square with its extensive outdoor and covered parking accessible by thrillingly spiral ramp - that's what the city of the future will look like.

One of the reasons for the success of Union Square is that – once you have battled your way through the traffic – at least the parking is adequate and reasonably priced. 

We suppose that we have to agree to an extent, though, with Kate Dean; we agree with her that some people should be expected always to need public transport to get them to the shops - shame. Some people in the underclass will always just be too poor to afford a really nice car to get them to Union Square with its welcoming, vibrant car parking.

So, to sum up, our council needs to take note and make things right and ease transport with lots of free or very cheap car parking space and extra road capacity for cars, so that our city centre can yes become a welcoming place again, regardless of how people choose to travel, whether by car, or public transport. Either option is open. See - we're not monsters. (As long as they don't come on foot or by bike - haha, for goodness sake! Be reasonable!)

No no, First Bus - you use YOUR head!

We were really horrified and angry when, as we were sat inching forward in the heavy congestion on Aberdeen's world famous Union Street yesterday, a bus drove past us in the bus lane with this advert stuck on the back.

(Well, that's not the actual advert - obviously. We're not quite as good at taking photos while driving as some of the other drivers of Aberdeen Cars!)

Anyway, we felt affronted and insulted by this outrageous insult. How dare First Bus tell me to "use my head"! Are they suggesting that the driver of Aberdeen Cars are ignorant? Are they suggesting that the occupants of the bus (usually DSS-ville or student-land bound) are somehow cleverer than me? I would like to point out that if they think that these freeloaders are so clever, where is their nice car? Eh? Where? Come on, where is it? And where is their road-tax disk? "No pay, no say!"

What these First Bus people fail to realise is that most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people like them expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating bus lanes and the like for freeloading poor people.

Many people in Aberdeen invest a lot of time and money in their cars, This is a natural way of gaining respect from those who will see them in their nice cars with cherished plates. To spoil this effect (e.g. when freeloaders overtake them in a bus) understandably infuriates the drivers of these nice cars - the drivers of Aberdeen Cars.

So, let's get Aberdeen moving, let's do the only sensible thing we can. Scrap the bus lanes. What are we waiting for?


Edit:

What's particularly gauling is that First Bus have proably paid some oh-so-clever PR outfit to come up with this insulting advert. Don't they know that you'll catch more flies with honey than with vinegar? That's why we do nothing but offer praise to the drivers of Aberdeen Cars in our efforts to get them to join our our popular campaign to "Save the Denburn Dual Carriageway!" ('like' us on FaceBook, 'follow' us on Twitter)

Edinburgh Trams Could Be Scrapped

We must congratulate our colleagues at Edinburgh City Council and in the capital's business community for their fabulous Kung Fu in making a total farce and failure of the project to re-install a tram system in the capital.

The constant delays and disruption have succeeded in turning the people of Edinburgh against the tram project, and against public transport bodies in general. Not only that, the management of this project is helping to demonise all public sector initiatives and workers. What a result! Contractor disputes, a skeptical press and an outright hostile motoring lobby have all added up to a now almost completely discredited public works project which had been supposed to deliver 21st century public transport infrastructure [sic]. We reckon this is fantastic work by those figures in the city council, chamber of commerce and city centre traders association who have pulled off this clever coup - and all before a single tram has run on the streets of 'Auld Reekie'!

And now we read in the weekend's newspapers that council chief executive Sue (the) Bruce is preparing to administer the coup-de-grace. With the righteous sword of business indignation in her hand she stands ready to kill the project forever, and with it any hopes of other tram restoration projects across Scotland. We can't tell you how excited we are about this forthcoming victory for the drivers of Edinburgh Cars, and by extention the drivers of all Scotland Cars, especially Aberdeen Cars (of course; because our cars are the nicest, and we have the best and most cherished plates in the country).

Well we remember Sue Bruce and how she put the needs of business first (by prioritising car traffic flow) when she held the chief executive post at Aberdeen City Council. She is much missed, but we're delighted to see her continuing her important pro-car work on the streets of the nation's capital - streets upon which will it soon be safe for the drivers of Edinburgh Cars to speed about, park, and go about their important business - it'll create a real feeling of bustle in the capital, when its streets are full of cars again and the important people get to call the shots once more. For they are the drivers of cars - the fountainhead of economic growth. Trams are for other countries, other countries where they do not prioritise economic growth as much as we do.

A New Strategy - Chevron PaveParking!

We are delighted to report a new development. The ingenuity of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars never ceases to amaze! And delight!


Here we see thirteen (13) Aberdeen Cars (and Vans) PaveParked "chevron style" on the footway of Aberdeen's historic St Peter's Street. To the right of the photo (out of shot) are some student halls of residence, so the cars definitely don't belong to them.

So, who do the cars belong to? Well, that building to the left is the deceptively modest global headquarters of public transport leviathan First Group - Aberdeen's gift to the world (of which we are ashamed). Regular readers will not be surprised that we don't approve of public transport, but First Group is a worldbeater and a major contributer to economic growth in Aberdeen "City and Shire", so we're a bit conflicted.

But in any case First Group - the world's largest public transport operator, what with it's revenues of £6 billion and its 130,000 staff - has been good to it's employees, a fair number of which were council workers from the rump of Grampian Regional Transport - these people struck it rich with share options and the like as the once publicly owned business was spun off and floated on the London Stock Exchange.

Yes indeed, First Group was good to it's employees - none of whom would be seen dead riding on a bus these days!