We call on the quislings to consolidate progress.

On your behalf; on behalf of the hard-pressed tax-farmed motorists of the car-driven economic powerhouse that is Aberdeen "City and Shire"; on behalf of progress towards more cars on more roads; and on behalf of the quest to deliver ever more wealth and riches into the hands of we Tycoons of Aberdeen, as you probably know we undertake sometimes distasteful work researching the output of the outer lunatic fringe of the so-called "active and sustainable transport" lobby in Scotland. Their newsletters, handouts, nasty little blogs and poorly-designed and coded web-pages are where we must practice our filthy duplicity.

Undertaking this distasteful work, once or twice, we have had to report back from our trips to those outer limits with bad news for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. So, you can imagine our exultant delight when we notice that vegetarian tree-hugging tax-dogers at Spokes (the Edinburgh and Lothian Cycling Campaign) have got their lycra bib-tight thingiess in a twist at the forthcoming slashing of the budget for "Cycling, Walking and Safer Streets".

 They say:

CYCLING AND WALKING : a Scottish Government 2012-13 disaster

The Scottish Government draft 2012-13 budget, now being consulted on, is a disaster for walking and cycling. Total transport spending rises from £1804m in 11-12 to £1884m in 12-13, thanks to a near £100m boost for trunk roads and motorways from £558m to £655m. In contrast to that huge and growing total, the meagre sums devoted to active travel are being slashed.

Naturally, we are delighted that this is what is coming to pass, what with that big boost in the budget for the trunk roads and motorways which we love.  So far, so good.

But then, Citizen Contributer "Ali" emailed aberdeencars@gmail.com and wrote to us to tell of a potential threat to this enlightented policy of getting shot of this useless contribution of our hard-earned road-and-fuel-tax contributions to freeloading cyclists and pestestrains. "Ali" says:

Dear Mr Skidmark,


It seems budgets are all the rage this week - King Alex and his Merry Men have recently issued the draft one for the Scottish Executive (err sorry I mean Government). Excellent news for the motorist with vastly increased spending on roads and a significant reduction in cycling on "active travel". Yes thats right, less and less for those freeloading walkers and cyclists, AMAZING!


Unfortunately that well known subversive group the "Aberdeen Cycle Forum" seems to be plotting against the government:
http://www.aberdeencycleforum.org.uk/index.php?pf=news.php&nid=136
If we are not carefull this could lead to an overthrow of the car owning democracy that we are, and indeed of King Alex himself. Please publicise this risk through your most excellent publication.


Yours
Ali

Firstly, thanks "Ali" for your contribution, we appreciate it. But please don't worry! The subversive group you mention: the self-styled "Aberdeen Cycle Forum" (ACF) are a nest of quisling pro-motorcar activists and are actually on our side!  

You just have to think about it...

Firstly, their website abounds with the word "challenge": Aberdeen Cycle Forum Challenge, Chief Executive Cycle Challenge, Annual Commuter Challenge. Brilliant! The message is clear - cycling is a challenge, something hard, something difficult and unusual - like mountaineering or world-record attempts.

Secondly, we notice a little bit of friction between ACF and CTC Grampian (another "cycling advocacy" group) over the issue of bike lanes at pedestrian refuge pinch points. We do not propose to examine the esoterica of this arcane dispute, it is enough for us to note that the two groups are at each other's throats over this inconsequential piece of nothing. Divide and conquer; as long as these two groups are busy knocking lumps out of each other over this and other issues, they will not impinge upon the activities of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Good.

Sling up a sign. That's all that's needed to keep
the cyclists quiet, and more importantly -
out of our goddam way!

Thirdly, and probably the most clever piece of tradecraft exhibited by the ACF double agents, is that they do everything they can to promote the 'shared use' pedestrian and cyclist infrastructure which we see popping up all over the place in Aberdeen "City and Shire" these days. Everywhere we look there are "Dual Use" paths and "Toucan" crossings. Brilliant. These serve our aims in four ways.

• One - they encourage cyclists to get off our road and out of our way. 
• Two - they make the authorities appear to be doing something green, something for the cyclists, all the while spending the very minimum and not actually doing very much at all in the way of creating suitable new infrastructure for cycling. 
• Three - these dual-use facilities do not reduce the amount of roadspace allocated to cars, while in effect reducing the amount of space available for walking (by forcing cyclists onto the pavement) and marginalising cycling (by treating cyclists as equivalent to pedestrians). 
• And four - they put pedestrians and cyclists into direct conflict, making the cycling experience difficult and making the walking experience unpleasant and dangerous. 

All of this couldn't suit us better! The more the disincentives to walking and cycling which groups like ACF manage to put into place,  the lower the uptake of cycling and walking as transport modes around Aberdeen "City and Shire" and the higher the modal share for cars = good.

Finally, in their newsletter material, ACF are usually keen to picture themselves. In contrast to the trendy aspirational look promoted by successful cycle advocacy groups worldwide (like the infamous Copenhagen Cycle Chic), ACF rock a quite different look.

But which...

...is which?

As everyone in Aberdeen "City and Shire" knows, more cars on more roads is the one and only way to ensure that the necessary economic growth is created to enable Aberdeen to pull the rest of UK plc out of recession. We therefore applaud and thank Aberdeen Cycle Forum for working so hard to put barriers in the way of the uptake of cycling as a mass transportation mode, for their craven kowtowing on behalf of all Aberdeen cyclists to the needs of motor-transport, and for their enviable success in making cyclists look like total out-group arseholes. Thank you very much. The predominance of nice cars on our roads is down to people like you. The abject failure of cycling as a mode of mass transport in Britain is down to people like you. That cycling is marginalised and regarded as, at best, a pastime for children is down to you. That cycling is perceived as a dangerous, difficult, special activity requiring special permission, equipment, planning and a reckless disregard for one's personal safety is down to you. The removal of funds for Cycling, Walking and Safer Streets is down to you. We think you're amazing...

Keep up the good work!

UK's Biggest Push to Cut Car Use

Whaaaaat!

Oh. My. God. What a horrible headline?!!

This news arrived in our e-mail inbox from UK greenwashing quango SUSTRANS, who are big on attention grabbing headlines (obviously).

A read of the article here, though, soothed our minds, apparently, this "biggest ever push" consists solely of the fact that, for one year only:

Around 63,000 homes in Cardiff and Penarth are being offered personalised travel advice from Sustrans to help them plan their local journeys on foot, by bike and on public transport. 

After the initial year, if they can get funding, then they might do something else similar in another small corner of somewhere else in Wales.

Can you imagine our relief? Firstly, this "initiative" is in a small local area, in far away country full of people of whom we know nothing. But secondly, and much more significantly, this "project" does not involve doing anything which experience in other countries shows would actually reduce the use of cars: It does not involve a moratorium on the creation of car-parking spaces in towns; it does not involve road-pricing or congestion-charging; it does not involve road closures or roadspace-reallocation; it does not involve a carbon tax and it does not involve the sequestration of our road-taxes for a segregated cycling infrastructure building-programme. In short, this "biggest ever push" to get UK drivers to "just leave the car at home" consists of a couple of hand-wringing veggie do-gooder volunteers schlepping around with carrier bags full of leaflets (see below), knocking on doors in Cardiff, needily begging tax-payers and wealth-creators not to use the car once in a while. And to think, when we saw the headline, we were afraid that SUSTRANS were getting serious!

Of course, we should have known better, because all the evidence points to SUSTRANS being on-side with the Hard-Pressed Motorist. After all, SUSTRANS  heavily promulgate the facts that walking is a special activity, which requires special planning, special food, special equipment and special authorisation. See the SUSTRANS "Stride Guide" (pdf) info-sheet on "how to walk".

http://www.sustrans.org.uk/assets/files/Safe%20Routes/resources/toolkit/SRS_Stride_Guide.pdf

In this amazing anti-walking pamphlet which includes a 5-week countdown checklist for getting ready to walk, SUSTRANS suggests that walkers should consider singing a special song, be made to write poetry, wear fancy dress and eat veggie sausages. And we didn't even make any of that up.

While, of course, it is true that most people who walk are oddly-dressed vegetarian poetry-writers, if anything, we think that SUSTRANS has gone a bit too far this time in lampooning the vegan anti-car fanatics; its difficult to suspend disbelief when reading this satirical broadside. They even go so far as to say that walkers should carry passports!

We're all glad to know that SUSTRANS has a pro-status-quo greenwashing agenda, but this time they have gone too far, they need to calm down their frothy-mouthed rhetoric. We all know that hippy layabout tax-dodging oblimovist walkers and cyclists need to be shown that their so-called "sustainability" is harming the economy, but what we question is whether pushing against them and ranting about their vegan, poetry-writing funny-clothes-wearing is the most considered approach. Baiting walkers in such an immature and hostile way is only going to result in a big "**** you" rather than a considered "yes, you're right, walking is ridiculous, I should be supporting the economy by using our nice cars whenever we can, thus providing much employment and contributing greatly in taxes and giving the place a real 'buzz' of activity."

One thing we do agree with SUSTRANS on, though, is their insistence that walkers carry "a special passport" - like the pass-papers carried by black, asian and mixed-race people in apartheid-era South Africa, it will allow the authorities to swiftly identify the trouble-makers and flag them up for processing.


Look: This is the sort of thing we were afraid that SUSTRANS were about to announce. Thank god that what's happening in Wales just turned out to be a leafletting exercise.

Walkodile

This really is the worst thing we have ever seen. Really. Check it out on the website "Walk-o-dile". We saw this item being used by kids in the city's sought-after and ever-popular Ferryhill district the other day and we were just horrified.

Here are some pics:

Yes indeed this is truly horrible. Imagine, a company here in the north east of Scotland - in Aberdeenshire - which has as its main aim the manufacture and promotion of a system which enables young children to be taken outside - without a car! Disgusting. It's a kind of abuse, isn't it? We must assume that these are the children of poor people because otherwise they would be in a car, wouldn't they? In which case, what were they doing in Ferryhill? We considered calling the police.



On the other hand, if children must go outside (and we suppose that in these PC-brigade-dominated days it is necessary to do a bit of greenwashing here and there), there is something to be said for a system that teaches young children that walking about outside is something which requires special planning, special high-visibility clothing, special equipment and special permission. It is not something you can do independently; you are required to be part of a team which is tethered in a rigid and arbitrary hierarchy. Moreover, it teaches these kids that they will, for the rest of their lives, be constrained and chained. Freedom but a dream, they will be forced into rigid and arbitrary hierarchies, ordered where to go and when to go there. It is great that this lesson will be forced upon the coming generation from their pre-school days - by the time they are ready to join the workforce they will be pre-conditioned for unquestioning obediance. Indeed, they will have become dependent upon the constraints and chains which are put upon them from their earliest memory. They will be unquestionably and unquestioningly ready to service capital in the pursuit of endless economic growth. And that's all that really matters, isn't it?

Check out the inventor, she is really clever:

Cycle Touring Club CTC Grampian Is On Our Side.

We know, surprising - isn't it? The Cycle Touring Club (CTC) pro-cycling activist pressure group, on our side? Well, we're delighted to report that yes they are.

As part of our distasteful duties as vigilant advocates on behalf of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars, sometimes we have to look at the material which these groups disseminate. Ugh! It's a nasty job, but we're happy to do it on behalf of all the sensible people who drive nice cars around Aberdeen "City and Shire". We were looking at the CTC Grampian webpages today, and were delighted by what we saw.

Here's the 'newsletter':

PDF here

Note the whimsical name 'Cycle Clips'. Note the extensive use of the whimsical "comic sans" font, note the use of an authoritative yet whimsical chatty tone and note the whimsical 'pub genius' punning. From time to time in the past the editor has strayed off-topic altogether to show us badly-faked spoof photos of unrelated whimsical stuff he found on the internet. The newsletter looks and reads more like a parish church intimation sheet than anything else. All good stuff which makes cycling look like an outlier hobby, a minority pursuit like pigeon-fancying or whittling walking sticks; but what we really liked in January's 2011 (unfortunately, no longer online) CTC Grampian newsletter was this:

The October Newsletter questioned whether, in these days of cycling popularity, campaigning for cycling was really necessary. The case for cycling has been won, we should not go over the top and too much “campaigning” is like kicking in open doors. These remarks caused a bit of a flutter among Right-to-Ride “campaigners”. They do valuable work in giving advice to authorities if they need it. The words and Right-to-Ride and Campaign, however, do not do a service to cycling: they are too aggressive, especially when every authority, from high to low, is by law in favour of promoting cycling.

(our emphasis)

Yes, now that cycling has reached the statistically insignificant level of approaching a 2% share of journeys in Aberdeen "City and Shire", CTC Grampian rightly consider their work done. Yes, we agree, 2% is more than enough. Indeed, they go on to openly state that there are too many cyclists in London and Amsterdam, and that our own Deeside Line (whassat?) in Aberdeen is too busy with cyclists at the weekend.

There you have it. Like us, CTC Grampian doesn't want more cyclists out and about ruining everything for everyone. Not for them any thought that cycling might be for utility, shopping, commuting; no - cycling is for organised and planned 'runs' (often with 'car assist'). They just want a handful of old men on old bikes going about their genteel old-fashioned whimsical hobby from back in the day when there were only two kinds of bikes - "racers" or "tourers".

One entry states:

...once in a while I yearn for the good old days when it was just me and a few old fellow cyclists.

We agree, and we offer a vote of thanks to CTC Grampian who work on our behalf to keep cycling in its place as a fun hobby, an old-fashioned leisure pursuit for old-fashioned people, something which requires special planning, permission and equipment; a whimsical activity which makes you look like an out-of-touch old fool in a clown outfit. We particularly enjoy the fact that it is these people who, when the authorities (local or national government) are consulting on transport issues, it is the CTC they turn to for the cyclist's view. This fact makes us laugh out loud. Yes, we laugh all the way to the petrol station.

And here they are, CTC Grampian in all their glory - speaking on behalf of and representing all cyclists in Aberdeen "City and Shire"!

Aberdeen Cycle Chic. Aren't they lovely?

A New Danger

On Aberdeen's Osbourne Place, we spot a development which we think is new for Aberdeen "City and Shire". These mummies (no car - therefore not yummy) and their children are walking down the pavement dressed in high-visibility clothing.

Do they think that this is a suitable way to bring up children; i.e. not in a car? They are obviously aware that they're putting their charges at risk, hence the hi-vis. We considered calling social services. We also considered calling the police, because, in the salubrious west-end of Aberdeen, no-one walks. It is suspicious. These people without cars must be poor (or they would be in a car) and so they are definitely therefore jealous of the more important and affluent people of Osbourne Place - good, professional people; nice, real people who own cars and who, in turn, should fear for their property; the pestestrians probably want to steal or vandalise it.

But, putting that aside, pestestrians wearing hi-vis raises much wider social issues affecting the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Firstly, we think that it' s good that at last, the pestestrians are getting the message and knowing their place. By wearing these ridiculous figure-of-fun clown outfits they are branding themselves as 'outsiders', as 'other' and so will be easier for our agents to round up when the time comes for their re-education. Secondly, the wearing of hi-vis acknowledges that walking is a 'special' activity requiring special preparation, permissions, equipment, planning, etc. Quite right.

But, the problem that this development raises for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars is that the tried-and-tested court-testimony mitigation for accidents involving cars and pestestrians is that the pestestrian "just came out of nowhere", and so wasn't seen by the blameless driver until it was too late. Our Sherriff Courts are quite accommodating to this defense, as their record of judgements and sentencing shows. This development which sees the pestestrains adopting high-vis runs the risk of robbing the blameless drivers of Aberdeen Cars of the "sorry I didn't see you" defense. This is deplorable, because it puts our no-claims-bonus at risk.

How much easier it would be if there were no pestestrians at all. This is one of the reasons why it is vital that we get all the support possible for our campaign to save Aberdeen's Heritage Dual Carriageway at Denburn Road. It has no pavements and so is a model of our ideal future.

Save the Denburn Dual Carriageway! 

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Aberdeen Cycle Chic. Disgusting.

What is wrong with this picture? We have identified 5 major problems which rock the foundations of reality in Aberdeen "City and Shire".



Did you see them? Here you go...

1. The young woman cycling appears to have not a care in the world; she is wearing an expression of mild serenity as she listens to the wailing wheech drone skirl of the bagpiper in the background. This is wrong; she should of course, be miserable, what with her not being in a nice car and all.
2. She is occupying the Advanced Stop Box (or whatever it's called - you know, that red tarmac bit for the pole position driver at the lights, so that that driver can properly anticipate the changing of the lights and roar away at red-amber). She is there all by herself, it not being occupied by other more important ordinary people in their lovely cars. We ask why not? They paid for it with their extortionate road-tax after all! 
3. Her bike looks old, inexpensive, slow and comfortable. It has mudguards and a strong step-through frame. It's not a mountain bike (hardcore, dangerous, expensive) or a racer (hardcore, uncomfortable, expensive). Indeed, her bike looks ordinary, affordable, utilitarian and even a bit 'dowdy'. This does not fit with the aspiration agenda of Aberdeen "City and Shire". Don't get us wrong, we've got nothing against the right bicycle in the right place: We can understand that cycling in the summer is a nice, pleasant family pastime. In the public park, for instance, and well away from busy important traffic. You put your expensive clean (very important) mountain or racing bike on a rack on the tailgate of your Range Rover and drive to your chosen cycling recreational venue. Then you cycle round and round for a bit, then you put the bike back on the rack and drive home. A lovely day out, a holiday or weekend hobby. Cycling has no place in everyday life in the city centre.
4. The young woman is dressed in a studenty bohemian style with an accent hat and idiosyncratic trouser/sock combination. She is drawing attention to herself and rubbing the noses of the beleaguered tax-farmed hard-pressed busy important motorists-in-a-hurry in her tax-free transport mode and care-free lifestyle. This is not right. She should be forced to conform, 
5. If she insists on not-driving, she should, of course be forced by mandatory compulsion to wear both a cycle helmet (very important - this is where they will display the registration numbers we want them to wear) and high-visibility day-glo plastic clothing. Only by putting all these subversive non-motoring elements into this humiliating and clownish uniform will we be able to identify them quickly and easily - to flush them out - when the time comes for their re-education. This re-education will usually take the form of peer-pressure insistence on getting a "nice wee car".  

So yes, 5 things wrong. We're worried that things are not quite going the way they should in Aberdeen "City and Shire", photos like the one above send out all the wrong messages. We're worried that this photo might fall into the wrong hands and be used to promote some sort of old-fashioned idea of how attractive Aberdeen might be for tourists, students, artists, young people, bohemians, hippies, vegetarians and other weirdos; what with friendly non-motor accessibility to the city centre, the unique monumental granite statuary, our city centre's charming Victorian sunken park at Union Terrace Gardens, the busking piper etc.

That would be quite wrong. Everyone knows that what attracts tourists and creates economic growth is dual carriageways, like the one pictured below, which will soon extend all the way to where the photo of our bohemian cyclist above was taken:

In any case, we don't much like bagpipes anyway, and look forward to the day when the soothing roar of traffic, speeding on its way to create economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire" drowns out their hellish skirl.

Message to Kids: Walking or Cycling puts you in hospital.

Advice for children from the Department for Transport via deep-cover agents at Manchester Cycling.

The implication of all the clever games and multimedia stuff on the DfT website is clear: Walking and cycling are very unusual and highly dangerous activities which require an advanced level of planning and special (possibly costly) safety equipment. Until you are old enough to drive and get yourself a nice car you're on your own and liable to be severely injured. Under no circumstances must you do anything to get in the way of or impede the progress of the important drivers of cars. If you do, you will be hospitalised, maybe killed. FACT. It will be your own fault. END OF. So you should get mum to drive you to and from school, visits to friends, trips to the shops, everything - it's just easier, it's definitely safer!

If you do survive long enough to get a driving license, then you'll have carte blanche to drive inattentively and at speed in the presence of children, it will be your right; that is the normal way of things.

"Tell your friends about these kids' sticky ends!"

Yes indeed, if anything, we think the DfT is a little too dovish. Children, and indeed all pestestrians and cyclits NEED to know that if they insist on putting themselves in harms way, then they're liable to be harmed. And then it will be their own fault.

But we're obviously delighted that our message is getting through at last. And we totally approve of the government using fear to programme the anti-walking and -cycling message into young impressionable minds. Advice for children on the site includes the wearing of special items such as reflective vests, bright stickers, flourescent caps and yellow backpacks. We must support the DfT in this, and perhaps suggest that they extend their advice to all pestestrians and cyclits; the adults too who should, after all, be in nice cars. After a while perhaps we can hope to see that this clothing advice is upgraded to mandatory compulsion. Only by putting all these subversive non-motoring elements into this humiliating and clownish uniform will we be able to identify them quickly and easily - to flush them out - when the time comes for their re-education.

 The re-education programme commences here...