We call on the quislings to consolidate progress.

On your behalf; on behalf of the hard-pressed tax-farmed motorists of the car-driven economic powerhouse that is Aberdeen "City and Shire"; on behalf of progress towards more cars on more roads; and on behalf of the quest to deliver ever more wealth and riches into the hands of we Tycoons of Aberdeen, as you probably know we undertake sometimes distasteful work researching the output of the outer lunatic fringe of the so-called "active and sustainable transport" lobby in Scotland. Their newsletters, handouts, nasty little blogs and poorly-designed and coded web-pages are where we must practice our filthy duplicity.

Undertaking this distasteful work, once or twice, we have had to report back from our trips to those outer limits with bad news for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. So, you can imagine our exultant delight when we notice that vegetarian tree-hugging tax-dogers at Spokes (the Edinburgh and Lothian Cycling Campaign) have got their lycra bib-tight thingiess in a twist at the forthcoming slashing of the budget for "Cycling, Walking and Safer Streets".

 They say:

CYCLING AND WALKING : a Scottish Government 2012-13 disaster

The Scottish Government draft 2012-13 budget, now being consulted on, is a disaster for walking and cycling. Total transport spending rises from £1804m in 11-12 to £1884m in 12-13, thanks to a near £100m boost for trunk roads and motorways from £558m to £655m. In contrast to that huge and growing total, the meagre sums devoted to active travel are being slashed.

Naturally, we are delighted that this is what is coming to pass, what with that big boost in the budget for the trunk roads and motorways which we love.  So far, so good.

But then, Citizen Contributer "Ali" emailed aberdeencars@gmail.com and wrote to us to tell of a potential threat to this enlightented policy of getting shot of this useless contribution of our hard-earned road-and-fuel-tax contributions to freeloading cyclists and pestestrains. "Ali" says:

Dear Mr Skidmark,


It seems budgets are all the rage this week - King Alex and his Merry Men have recently issued the draft one for the Scottish Executive (err sorry I mean Government). Excellent news for the motorist with vastly increased spending on roads and a significant reduction in cycling on "active travel". Yes thats right, less and less for those freeloading walkers and cyclists, AMAZING!


Unfortunately that well known subversive group the "Aberdeen Cycle Forum" seems to be plotting against the government:
http://www.aberdeencycleforum.org.uk/index.php?pf=news.php&nid=136
If we are not carefull this could lead to an overthrow of the car owning democracy that we are, and indeed of King Alex himself. Please publicise this risk through your most excellent publication.


Yours
Ali

Firstly, thanks "Ali" for your contribution, we appreciate it. But please don't worry! The subversive group you mention: the self-styled "Aberdeen Cycle Forum" (ACF) are a nest of quisling pro-motorcar activists and are actually on our side!  

You just have to think about it...

Firstly, their website abounds with the word "challenge": Aberdeen Cycle Forum Challenge, Chief Executive Cycle Challenge, Annual Commuter Challenge. Brilliant! The message is clear - cycling is a challenge, something hard, something difficult and unusual - like mountaineering or world-record attempts.

Secondly, we notice a little bit of friction between ACF and CTC Grampian (another "cycling advocacy" group) over the issue of bike lanes at pedestrian refuge pinch points. We do not propose to examine the esoterica of this arcane dispute, it is enough for us to note that the two groups are at each other's throats over this inconsequential piece of nothing. Divide and conquer; as long as these two groups are busy knocking lumps out of each other over this and other issues, they will not impinge upon the activities of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Good.

Sling up a sign. That's all that's needed to keep
the cyclists quiet, and more importantly -
out of our goddam way!

Thirdly, and probably the most clever piece of tradecraft exhibited by the ACF double agents, is that they do everything they can to promote the 'shared use' pedestrian and cyclist infrastructure which we see popping up all over the place in Aberdeen "City and Shire" these days. Everywhere we look there are "Dual Use" paths and "Toucan" crossings. Brilliant. These serve our aims in four ways.

• One - they encourage cyclists to get off our road and out of our way. 
• Two - they make the authorities appear to be doing something green, something for the cyclists, all the while spending the very minimum and not actually doing very much at all in the way of creating suitable new infrastructure for cycling. 
• Three - these dual-use facilities do not reduce the amount of roadspace allocated to cars, while in effect reducing the amount of space available for walking (by forcing cyclists onto the pavement) and marginalising cycling (by treating cyclists as equivalent to pedestrians). 
• And four - they put pedestrians and cyclists into direct conflict, making the cycling experience difficult and making the walking experience unpleasant and dangerous. 

All of this couldn't suit us better! The more the disincentives to walking and cycling which groups like ACF manage to put into place,  the lower the uptake of cycling and walking as transport modes around Aberdeen "City and Shire" and the higher the modal share for cars = good.

Finally, in their newsletter material, ACF are usually keen to picture themselves. In contrast to the trendy aspirational look promoted by successful cycle advocacy groups worldwide (like the infamous Copenhagen Cycle Chic), ACF rock a quite different look.

But which...

...is which?

As everyone in Aberdeen "City and Shire" knows, more cars on more roads is the one and only way to ensure that the necessary economic growth is created to enable Aberdeen to pull the rest of UK plc out of recession. We therefore applaud and thank Aberdeen Cycle Forum for working so hard to put barriers in the way of the uptake of cycling as a mass transportation mode, for their craven kowtowing on behalf of all Aberdeen cyclists to the needs of motor-transport, and for their enviable success in making cyclists look like total out-group arseholes. Thank you very much. The predominance of nice cars on our roads is down to people like you. The abject failure of cycling as a mode of mass transport in Britain is down to people like you. That cycling is marginalised and regarded as, at best, a pastime for children is down to you. That cycling is perceived as a dangerous, difficult, special activity requiring special permission, equipment, planning and a reckless disregard for one's personal safety is down to you. The removal of funds for Cycling, Walking and Safer Streets is down to you. We think you're amazing...

Keep up the good work!

Walking Makes you Fat. Official.

An interesting document: Preventing Overweight and Obesity in Scotland - A Route Map Towards Healthy Weight has been passed to us by an informant. You can download the PDF here.



In it, we noticed fascinating insights into how infrastructure issues might be tackled in order to mitigate Scotlands obesity epidemic:

At an environmental level we can also imagine how increasing walkable pedestrian areas in our town centres, without parallel actions to influence the kinds of high calorie snacks and drinks offered by cafes, takeaways and convenience stores could have the opposite outcomes to those we intended by increasing exposure to energy-dense foods and drinks.

There you have it. Pedestrian areas are likely to make people fat, because they will walk past takaways, bakers, sweetie shops and the like and be unable to resist the temptation to indulge their fat selves. Far better indeed that these people be encouraged not to walk anywhere at all. Much better that they stay in their cars, where they will definitely not be tempted by high calorie foods.



Yesterday we demonstrated how the evil curse of pedestrianisation, as it spreads across the USA, has caused market turmoil and stock market crashes. Now we know that it also causes obesity. Pedestrianisation (or roadspace reallocation, as it is sometimes known) must be stopped. If you agree, you should join our campaign to Save the Denburn Dual Carriageway from the sinister forces of roadspace re-allocation. 'Like' us on FaceBook, 'Follow' us on Twitter.

Queens Road Full PaveParking Bonanza! R15TNM, SV56NEF & A15JJG

Following our PaveParking special feature last month when we featured the range of strageties and tactics employed by the parkers of Aberdeen Cars on the city's prestigious, upscale west-end avenue - Queen's Road - "Royal Boulevard of the North", we're delighted to report that our PaveParking challenge meme has been spreading like wildfire along this most salubrious of streets, where we're now delighted to report that Full PaveParking is the order of the day!

In the following photo-essay, we see three drivers of Aberdeen Cars (and Vans!) employ Full PaveParking, thus ensuring that only the right kind of people use this thoroughfare. Pedestrians only make the place look, em, poor. We say they should be stamped out and congratulate the Full PaveParkers of Queen's Road for striking the first blow in wiping out what we will now call the "odd footpeople".

R15TNM

SV56NEF

A15JJG

Free Range Kids? Vegitarian Political Correctness, That's What!

More blood-boiling anti-motorist polemic from Sustrans:

Free Range Kids

What can decongest our roads, reduce CO2 emissions, and help improve levels of every day physical activity? Free range kids.

Cast your mind back to your childhood. What memories make you smile? Riding your bike, exploring new and unfamiliar places? Probably, because these are the things that today's adults enjoyed as children, with 70% experiencing most of their adventures outdoor. Nowadays only 29% of children are experiencing adventures outdoors, often closely supervised by adults.

In the early 1970's 80% of seven and eight year olds travelled to school without an adult. By 2009, only 11% of seven to ten years olds did the same, with 42% of primary school children now being driven to school.

They've put out this mad report (PDF): Free Range Kids - Creating tomorrow’s low-carbon, active travellers.

Note Sustrans' lefty leaning use of the words "free-range" - typical of the sort of dangerous knit-your-own-beans sandal-wearing hippy agenda we've come to expect from this anti-car, anti-growth, anti-Aberdeen organisation.

Of course, what Sustrans fail to acknowledge is that most people aspire to the convenience of personal motor transport, pay dearly for the privilege, provide much employment, contribute greatly in taxes, and then people like silly Sustrans expect them to ‘leave the car at home’, while their money is spent creating cycle lanes and the like for freeloading cyclists. We also worry that the "free-range kids" agenda exposes children to peedofiles. It's bound to.

In this context, the precipitous drop in children walking to school is a veritable triumph. And what's more, Aberdeen leads the way.

But, unfortunately, backward places like the City of Westminster are busy implementing the "Free-range kids" agenda with sineage like this:

Watch out for the impoverished children
of the City of Westminster. Shame...

To us, that sign just says: "Watch out! Poor area where few people can afford an nice car in which to drive their children to school, so be careful they don't scratch your lovely car out of sheer spiteful envy at your success."

Now, don't get us wrong, we're not monsters! We appreciate that there might well be perfectly reasonable explanations why parents sometimes might not be able to drive their kids to school in the proper manner (though we can't think of any just now). And when these kids have to walk, because we care so much about their safety, we prefer to see them behind suitable pedestrian barriers and wearing hi-vis jackets. That way our no-claims bonuses are safe.

A Great Idea from the Good Ol' U S of A

Here at Aberdeen Cars, we like America. We specifically like Houston, but we like all of America and all things American. That's why we like this; the PedFlag:

PedFlag is the name of a programme in Kirkland, Washington (on the west coast of the US) which places orange or yellow flags at crosswalks to help pedestrians gain the attention of drivers. With the aid of the brightly colored flag that can be held out in front of the pedestrian and/or waved, the pedestrian is better able to attract the attention of the driver sooner by becoming more visible.

You see, we're not monsters. We don't want to hurt pedestrians - oh no. We just want them to know their place and to feel lesser than us. The PedFlag is a sure fire way of achieving just this. There's this video:



"Take it to make it". Heh. We like that - the implication being, of course that if you don't "take it" you might not "make it" because then you'll be fair game and it won't be our fault if we run you over. In pioneering Kirkland WA (home of the PedFlag) there were 62 people run over in a year. But as the cop in the video says: "Of those 62, none of them were carrying a flag - it stands to reason: people who are carrying a flag aren't getting run into".

So, we want to see this introduced for Aberdeen "City and Shire". PedFlags on some street crossings. And pedestrians don't get to cross the road unless waving a flag.

Sinister Forces of Re-allocation. Guild St

Can you see what's wrong with this picture? Yes, that's right - it's the most insidious threat to the drivers of Aberdeen Cars - the Sinister Forces of roadspace re-allocation have been at work.


At first, you might not notice what's happened. But then you'll see the oddly-curtailed road-markings, the strange mid-pavement placing of a lamp-post. A mid-pavement gutter. And then you realise - the pavement has been built-out onto the motorists road-space! What?! We can see no good reason at all for this unilateral annexation of the roadtaxpayer funded carriageway space in favour of the tax-dodging pestestrians.

The location is Aberdeen's Guild Street and this road forms part of the vital giratory system at the heart of the city's inner-city ring-road. Where once the giratory was three-lanes wide, now it is pinched to just two at this spot outside the Station Hotel. That's a 33% re-allocation in favour of the scroungers.

From this giratory, important executives in their nice Aberdeen Cars are distributed west to the ever-popular upmarket villas of Ferryhill, south to the oil-industrial estates of Tullos and Altens and north on the Denburn Dual Carrageway to the rest of the city. This makes it all the more perplexing and worrying to us that the anti-car, anti-economy, Sinister Forces of roadspace reallocation have chosen this spot to go about their foul business increasing the size of the pavements. We understand that this extended footspace (is that what it's called?) is intended to 'accommodate' increased pestestrian flow between the Trinity Centre shopping mall and the Union Square shopping mall. But that can't be right; both these malls have large car-parks, so what sort of person would want to walk between the two and get all windswept?

A closer look at the photo above perhaps gives us some clues. Not one of these people is wearing a suit. None of them carries a briefcase. What with all those casually-dressed people walking around Aberdeen these days rather than use the lovely big road, the place is looking a bit like DSS-land or StudentVille or something. This sends out all the wrong messages.We can only thank Ford that they are constrained behind those aluminium railings, lest they just come out of nowhere and endanger our no claims bonuses!

But, on a very serious note, this roadspace reallocation work sets a dangerous precedent. We are aware that the Sinister Forces of re-allocation are girding their loins and have the Denburn Dual Carriageway in their sights. That's why it's vital that all Aberdeen Drivers of good faith join our our popular campaign to to "Save the Denburn Dual Carriageway!" ('like' us on FaceBook, 'follow' us on Twitter)

Our numbers are swelling. Our collective voice will be heard!

A New Danger

On Aberdeen's Osbourne Place, we spot a development which we think is new for Aberdeen "City and Shire". These mummies (no car - therefore not yummy) and their children are walking down the pavement dressed in high-visibility clothing.

Do they think that this is a suitable way to bring up children; i.e. not in a car? They are obviously aware that they're putting their charges at risk, hence the hi-vis. We considered calling social services. We also considered calling the police, because, in the salubrious west-end of Aberdeen, no-one walks. It is suspicious. These people without cars must be poor (or they would be in a car) and so they are definitely therefore jealous of the more important and affluent people of Osbourne Place - good, professional people; nice, real people who own cars and who, in turn, should fear for their property; the pestestrians probably want to steal or vandalise it.

But, putting that aside, pestestrians wearing hi-vis raises much wider social issues affecting the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Firstly, we think that it' s good that at last, the pestestrians are getting the message and knowing their place. By wearing these ridiculous figure-of-fun clown outfits they are branding themselves as 'outsiders', as 'other' and so will be easier for our agents to round up when the time comes for their re-education. Secondly, the wearing of hi-vis acknowledges that walking is a 'special' activity requiring special preparation, permissions, equipment, planning, etc. Quite right.

But, the problem that this development raises for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars is that the tried-and-tested court-testimony mitigation for accidents involving cars and pestestrians is that the pestestrian "just came out of nowhere", and so wasn't seen by the blameless driver until it was too late. Our Sherriff Courts are quite accommodating to this defense, as their record of judgements and sentencing shows. This development which sees the pestestrains adopting high-vis runs the risk of robbing the blameless drivers of Aberdeen Cars of the "sorry I didn't see you" defense. This is deplorable, because it puts our no-claims-bonus at risk.

How much easier it would be if there were no pestestrians at all. This is one of the reasons why it is vital that we get all the support possible for our campaign to save Aberdeen's Heritage Dual Carriageway at Denburn Road. It has no pavements and so is a model of our ideal future.

Save the Denburn Dual Carriageway! 

'Like' us on FaceBook 

'Follow' us on Twitter

PaveParker of the Week! SP02XYA

This week's PaveParker of the Week was spotted in the city's Seafield Avenue:



The driver of Aberdeen Car Citroen C5 Estate reg. SP02XYA gets this week's plaudits. Congratulations!

What particularly drew our eye to this example of Aberdeen's characteristic parking style were the facts that:

1. Seafield Avenue is a residential road - not really a through road for traffic.
2. Seafield Avenue is quite wide

What this shows us is that this driver has "gone beyond" the usually expedient reason for PaveParking - the fact that it allows swift and efficient traffic flow, thus boosting much needed economic growth. This isn't a busy road, and it's nice and wide, so why has the driver of this Aberdeen Car decided to PavePark?

Well, the clue is in the picture. Can you see? Yes, that's right, the young mother pushing her baby in the buggy. She's just been to the city's famous Johnstone Gardens. On foot! Bloody Hell!

This, of course, sets a very bad example to junior. By walking to a destination where leisure activity can be undertaken free of charge, this misguided young mother is not contributing to economic growth. Far better (and safer) were she to load junior into a nice car and drive to the park. Better still if mum were to leave junior at home (away from weirdos with cameras) in the care of a paid-for childminder while she drove to the shops and spent some money. If she doesn't have any money, she should work harder, or she could borrow some from Wonga.com 

Then she wouldn't feel like an outsider. Meantime, every instance when she has to steer junior's buggy around a PaveParked car her alienated status as an economically inactive and inadequate outsider, different and suspect, is reinforced in her own mind. And in ours!

So, congratulations to you, driver of Aberdeen Car reg. SP02XYA, you are PaveParker of the Week for adding to the alienation of pestestrians - just because you can!

A Very Dangerous Situation.

We really were horrified to see this. This really is a disgrace, something must be done. We were so worried by this sight on Aberdeen's Victoria Street that we felt we had to document it.



Yes, that little old lady is dangerously close to touching that beautifully customised Mitsubishi Warrior pickup reg DG10FFZ. This risks scratching or otherwise damaging it, thus rendering it less nice.

The driver of this Aberdeen Car is clearly already hard-pressed; the costs of maintaining such a vehicle are considerable and the price of fuel has reached record highs recently. Something's got to give, and long-suffering motorists all over the country are forced to make tough choices. In this case, our research shows that the legendary tight-fistedness thrift which is famously part of the local character has manifested itself in the driver of this vehicle deciding that it's most probably OK to do without motor insurance. And so this vehicle is not insured (not appearing on the Motor Insurance Database when we checked). Such sacrifices are tough but necessary in these austerity times, and we admire the driver of this Aberdeen Car for his or her thrift and selflessness. Well done!

But we must ask, is it fair that - as well as everything else - this already put-upon driver of an Aberdeen Car should have to worry about rogue old-folks touching their car? Several questions present themselves:

1. Should the elderly (who are often unsteady on their feet) be allowed out in the west end of Aberdeen where they might easily damage innocent uninsured cars?
2. Should the pavement be completely removed from Victoria Street? After all, it only encourages them!

PaveParker of the Week! M5LFN

The driver of Aberdeen Car Vauxhall Corsa SRI reg. M5LFN deserves special mention. While demonstrating best-practice Full PaveParking, this clever motorist has also all-but blocked Ferryhill's historic Devanah Lane (the steps).

Devanah Lane is an ancient right-of-way regularly used by tax-dodging pestestrians as a so-called non-motor by-pass allowing foot access between the Holburn area and the River Dee, free from pollution, traffic noise, CCTV and light-controlled junctions. By using this route, the pestestrians cock a snook at ordinary people in their nice cars who pay tax and are subject to location monitoring CCTV with numberplate recognition parking charges and everything.

So the PaveParking driver of Aberdeen Car M5LFN is quite right to do his best to snuff out this ancient right-of way; to stamp out this anti-commercial subversive pestestrian activity which does not make a fiscal contribution and does not contribute to economic growth and prosperity for Aberdeen "City and Shire".

Devanah Lane - Disgusting haunt of Subversive Anarchist Pestestrian Seditionists.

PaveParker of the Week! S5AXX

A Happy New Year to all drivers of Aberdeen Cars! We start the year as we intend it to continue with a prime example of Full PaveParking on Aberdeen's Broomhill Road.



The driver of Aberdeen Car Blue Mercedes Benz M-Class Station Wagon ML500 Sport Tiptronic (oooh!) Auto reg. S5AXX with its 5 litre engine knows how to demonstrate his or her place in the hierarchy of public-space use. With a car like that, it's clearly at the very top! The driver of this Aberdeen Car is clearly At The Top of His or Her Game.

This should make the pestestrian think. Careful not to scratch this fine piece of German automotive engineering with its 5 litre engine, the poor pestestrian is forced to consider her place in the big scheme of things. And yes, she is forced to conclude that, even on the pavement, she must give way and give up space to Aberdeen Cars. And quite right too.

We particularly like the way the driver has allowed Just Enough Space for a pestestrian to pass. This inconveniences the pestestrian just enough for the clever driver to establish his or her superiority to the pestestrian, while not inconveniencing the pestestrian quite enough to provoke the radical response which is CarriageWalking. Which isn't allowed. Or shouldn't be.

Know Your Enemy #1 - The CarriageWalker

Yesterday we examined Aberdeen City Council's well meaning policy of prioritising the clearing of snow and ice from the carriageways of roads while completely ignoring the pavements. The intent of this policy initiative being clearly to encourage citizens to use cars only for getting about, thus contributing to economic growth in Aberdeen "City and Shire". We highlighted how this policy had backfired with disastrous consequences for the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. We noted the rise of a new radical breed of pestestrian: The CarriageWalker! Eschewing the pavements with their still-untouched snow and ice, rather than act normal and use cars, these thuggish pestestrians have quite perversely taken to the carriageways. On foot!

This forces the terrified motorist to take extra care in avoiding these reckless troublemakers lest they touch our nice cars; everyone knows that when a stranger touches your car it runs the risk of rendering your car somehow less nice, and erodes your prestige in the community. So, with these CarriageWalkers occupying the bit of the road which is for cars only, we can only say how intimidated we are by this new development, it is as if our world is turned upside down. It just shouldn't happen!

Moreover, what with all these suddenly visible pestestrians getting in the way and showing off, visitors to our city might think that not everyone here can afford a nice car. Obviously, that's not the sort of impression we want to give to visitors, what with us being The Oil Capital of Europe, and rolling in petrodollars and everything - so these troublemaker thugs are not only intimidating the normal everyday (albeit very important) citizen drivers of Aberdeen Cars, but they are also eroding our city's standing on the International Stage, and threatening the very future survival of our city and everything in it. They must be stopped!

Observe her with care. She might touch your car.

So, as a service to our readers, we thought we'd help you identify these radical anarchists who think they can do whatever they please at the expense of the hard-pressed tax-farmed motorists who have paid for the road. Here are the six key points which you can use to identify The Radical CarriageWalker:

1. That thing on her head is a wooly hat. This is perhaps to protect her head from the truncheon-blows which she expects to come raining down from the mounted riot police which we have summoned. Or maybe it's just to keep her head warm because she's outside on a coldish day.
2. On her feet - boots. We think there used to be a song: "These Boots Were Made for Walking". Quaint.
3. She is wearing a coat which is too long to comfortably wear when driving. This proves that she simply has absolutely no intention of driving. Unbelievable!
4. Over her shoulder - a large bag. This is no doubt full of spray-cans for obscene graffiti. Otherwise, it carries the stuff which normal people put on the back-seat or in the boot or glove compartment.
5. Speaking of which, on her hands are what can only be described as actual gloves. This is another sinister aspect, as she will be untraceable via fingerprint evidence.
6. You can't see it on the photo, but her face displays a carefree smile (or is it a smirk?). She is smiling in a way which is quite the opposite of the intense look of grim concentration which can be seen on the face of most of the drivers of Aberdeen Cars as they do their important gridlocked duty in support of much-needed economic growth for the region. We do work of National Importance here. It's nothing to smile or smirk about.

Needless to say, none of these six signs are detectable in the drivers of Aberdeen Cars. Being nice and toasty inside our hot metal boxes, we have no need for hats, coats or gloves! We are unlikely to be outside ever at all, so no need for outdoor boots - it's trainers for us! Cool! Rucksacks and totebags - no need! Similarly, our metal bubble insulates us from ever having to run the risk of encountering anyone we don't know (except shop assistants and waiters); we never have any need to smile publicly, so we don't.

So, there you have it, the six signs to look out for. Be vigilant! These subversives are everywhere! Maybe you know one, maybe one of them is a friend or loved one. It is your duty as a driver of Aberdeen Cars to denounce these subversive elements. Use the Citizen Contribution hot-link to the top-right of the page to report them to us and we'll do the rest...

Vigilance will see us through these difficult times.

Fury at CarraigeWalking

Aberdeen City Council's latest anti-pedestrian policy initiative (not clearing the pavements of snow and ice) has, we are furious to report, backfired with upsetting results and serious consequences for public order in our town.

Close to schools (the safety of innocent children - who are our future - being a number one priority) while every snow-and-ice-clearing attention has been lavished, quite rightly, on the car-bearing carriagway, the council has stuck to its guns and refused to do anything about the pavements. This safety-first approach (because walking about the place without brakes, indicators, airbags or anything is as everyone knows, intrinsically dangerous) has rendered the pavement on Aberdeen's Broomhill Road completely unusable. Good. This policy initiative should encourage everyone to join in with the vast majority of folk, and get around in a nice car. It is particularly important that children be discouraged from dangerous walking, particularly in cold weather, when they might catch the sniffles.

Not gritted, not salted, not ploughed.
And quite right too.

But, and it's a big but, while we were initially delighted by this pro-car approach which we thought would finally force the last redoubts of anti-car sentiment to nip out to Arnold Clark and drive off with a seasonal bargain, we regret to say that the law of unintended consequences has struck, and we were today horrified to notice that these last few road-tax-dodging pestestrians who refuse to contribute to the economic growth of the region have adopted a radical new tactic from the anarchists cookbook: RADICAL CARRIAGEWALKING!

Harassed by the rioting anarchist, the elderly couple in the passing car were visibly shaken.

Perhaps emboldened by the student protesters hooligan anarchists thugs who took to the streets in London yesterday, these radical pestestrians have unilaterally occupied the tax-payer-only carriageways of West Aberdeen, striding up the middle of the road and willfully impeding the lawful progress of important hard-pressed motorists as they go about their lawful business on Her Majesty's highway generating much-needed economic growth for Aberdeen "City and Shire".

Showing no fear (perhaps on drugs?) the snarling rioter faces down the law abiding motorist.
Had the protester tried to touch the car, we might have been forced to ask a policeman to draw his sidearm.

Wildly swinging a placard with its obscene message (which we have been forced to blur with photoshop)
this sneering anarchist scans around for her next victim. 
We were scared she would touch the silver-grey Merc to her left.
Officer, may we suggest you use baton rounds?

Law-flouting pestestrian anarchist ring-leaders look to recruit
the anti-motorist bus-users to their subversive protests...
Send in the horses.